12.27.2009

2010 goals

1. Schedule eye exam appt for new glasses (since mom semi-broke my last ones)
2. Schedule dental appt
3. Schedule check up
4. Visit with Counselor or Psych dept on campus
5. Take courses through online enrollment to enrich writing 
6. 30lbs by end of March.
7. Coordinate 1 on 1 with Bonnie and recruiter
8. Seek another job with civil services, developmental position with counseling
9. Refine search for graduate school with counseling
10. Join Vavi league for kickball and softball
11. BIBLE IN A YEAR!!!
12. Memorize the book of James.
13. Enroll in counseling classes at JC (online if possible)
14. Trip to Kentucky to visit Rox.
15. Donate clothes to charity
16. Youtube a new original song (dammit, I'm tired of the bookie boo request lolol, ok jk, but not, but yeah, but not, okay i'm done).
17. Gym pass at 24 hr fitness
18. Cut up credit cards -- STOP RACKIN' UP DEBT! smh
19. Get new tires for the car.
20. Get car tuned up.
21. Make trip to the Bay for leisure.
22. Try a new restaurant - Jamaican.
23. Vegas for Rugby 7s and birthday February
24. Tune up resume by end of January to seek new job.
25. Fast every 1st week of the month. 
26. TITHE. ALWAYS. Even if it's not 10%. TITHE. The church needs every finance - A NEW BUILDING IS IN PROGRESS! God makes all things possible.
27. Finish New Moon.
28. Put Taxes towards debt. TITHE 10%.
29. Visit Samoa for a week.
30. New dish for Thanksgiving Meal
31. Every1 a gift.
32. Budget $100 per week for meals.
33. SAVE $100 a month
34. Join Bible Study at the Rock.
35. Sign up for Rec Classes at 24Hr or Grossmonth
36. Home once every other month. 
37. STOP CUSSING. 
38. GROW OUT HAIR.
39. Nose pierced? Mmm, I'll think about it.
40. Beginners piano to learn piano by ear.
41. New uke chords! :)




to be con't.

SMDH

I don't know who I should necessarily be more upset at...

him or me.

smdh

12.17.2009

Grade: 65% = D (smh)

These are my goals that I posted in an earlier blog back in January... Goin' down the line to grade myself.




- Rec Classes  yesss, bootcamp for beginners and bunz, legs, tums and then the next quarter was kickboxing
- Join a Bible Study - fail :(
- Lead a Bible Study - Y.E.S. GROUP!  -- attempted, but it didn't work out for everyone. sad face.
- Volunteer at The Rock somehow (make Dario come too lol) -- i think i thought about attempting, but it didn't actually go through
- Donate clothes and shoes to charity.  -- with the tragic even of the Tsunami that hit Samoa I was definitely able to hook up a few kids out there with some clothes.
- Sing again, dang it. -- I've been singing, still working on my riffs, still trying to get comfortable with my voice.
- Learn new chords on the Uke and write another original song.  I've definitely written a few songs, but I don't think I learned any new chords on the Uke, well, yeah I did -- jk -- but I haven't practiced them enough to remember :( i suck lol
- Take a class or two at JC - just learn something new! -- FAIL! i hate myself. lol
- Blog your life - you are losing your writing skills! Keep them fresh!  Of course!


*** con't ***

- Learn to play piano by ear, and sing at the same time. HAHA. Yeah, we'll see how this goes. -- FAIL - i really did look into a few keyboards on craigslist, however to no avail was the kupe great. next year for sure.

- Try a new restaurant. Indian, Japanese and Jamaican. Ooooh, and Phil's BBQ! -- Punjabi Tandoori was EXCELLENT. Ichiban and sushi delight, def a gr8 spot, I still prefer Sushi deli . No jamaican... from what I can recall... or can't? lol and PHIL'S BBQ IS SUPER SICC. :)

- Find a new substitute for chocolate - 'cause let's be real, that mess is JACKIN' up my FIGURE! hahaha. or what's LEFT of it. HAHA.  i found this substitute very early, chocolate drizzled rice cakes. yum! 90 calorie packs.

- Read my bible, in a year, and take notes. -- FAIL. My bible is still crisp, I am trying to get it wrinkled and broken in.

- Listen for God. - DEFINITELY did a lot of that. God, you are so good to me. Thank you. Amene.

- CUT MY HAIR.  Chopped and screwed and missed with the color! Loved it.









- BUDGET! -- def been able to do that, thank you to my new loan :) and yeah why am I STILL racking up debt? SMH!!!!

- Take girls out just to hang out. At least once a month. -- I was only able to take the girls out a few times before they moved back to Washington, but I'm happy we got to spend those few moments together.

- DRESS UP FOR WORK - casual Fridays.  NON-STOP! IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY TODAY, and it's Thursday actually. lol

- Read a Book. - John Grisham's Innocent Man and the twilight series, I guess. haha.  -- DEF hit up that twilight series... well I finished Twilight. I'm still working on New  Moon LOL - MOVIE WAS TIGHT THO!

- Take classes at a JC to get my mind thinking again. (Language, History and Computer classes)  -- FAIL. MAJOR FAIL! I still want to, dont know if I will.

- Road trip to Arizona. -- totally did all by my lonesome, thanks Dario and Kat!! punks! lol - it's all good, the trip was worthwhile... at some points smh

- Go to Samoa (in the summer with my folks). God willing! LoL! -- OPERATION NO KUPE - sorry Gramma, I would have gone with Mom to take u back home but e leai se kupe i lana bank aggount :(

- Buy a new laptop. MISSION COMPLETE!!! and I love my NOVOsita!

- Cook 3-4 times a week. I must domesticate myself NOW or NEVER!!! haha.  -- OPERATION FAIL, I started off doin' it in the beginning, got lazy way too early in the beginning. Will be doin' again next year.

- Make my own dish for Thanksgiving dinner with the fam.  -- THANK YOU TO VEE415 I was able to make potato salad with special ingredient and the fam LOVED IT! SCORE!

- Buy everyone a Christmas gift at home.
Mom - coach purse (she better like it too! lol, dang it!)
Dad - Golf tees, golf balls, nike golf nail clipper set and slacks
One - Jordans
Zachery - Jordans
Jonas - Jordans, jacket, jeans <-- brat! haha well, he's the baby
Cousin Lani - Coach wallet and lotion set
Cousin Danny - vest and jeans
Roomie Bea - bed (thanks Adeile) coach wrislette, perfume set
Secret Santa Athena - Blockbuster pack - 3 movies, candy, cookies, popcorn, blanket and pillow
Secret Santa Tira - lotion basket of Japanese Cherry Blossom :) galore


--- I'm now broke. haha. dang it.

Thoughts for the day

So, as previously confessed via Twitter, I tend to think a LOT more in the winter time. Perhaps because it's cold and sometimes freezing, and thinking some what keeps me warm, depending on what I'm thinking of... yeah, not only that, it's the end of the year and I am most definitely thinking up big plans for the next year. Wow, now that I think about it, that whole "depending on what I'm thinking about" in ref to me keeping warm was awkward and sounded SO WRONG... smh... lol. Anyway, I think I may possibly be ready for all this. I mean, at this point, I can't wait until I'm ready, I gotta GO GO GO. I need to get outta that habit of the whole "I'm ready" and "I'm not ready" business... ugh. I just don't want that to hinder me from great things. That used to bug me about him, and now I find myself doing it. Anyhow, I will be writing down goals again, and as a matter of fact I should do a check of all things I've done... but, for SURE, I am definitely going to blog up my goals for next year. I'm attackin' 2010 full throttle. I gotta love myself enough to do it that way.


*cheers to 2010*

12.10.2009

9 things - 1o1 with Bryan



3 Core Strengths

1. Patience
2. Leadership/Guidance
3. Communication


3 Things that excite me
1. Serving others
2. Writing - blogging, short stories, 
3. Relationship discussions


3 Reasons TO go to Grad School
1. Grow passion into a career
2. Learn learn learn
3. 


3 Reasons NOT to to go Grad School
1. Creating more debt
2. Not being able to debt already created debt
3. 

12.04.2009

What you see is what you get

Me in my purest form -- and to accompany my photo, I write a haiku...

Face of my mother, mind of my father
My blemishes are visible
Take me as I am


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

11.29.2009

A Thankful Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was peaceful this year. I haven't been home since about a month and a half ago, but so much changes within a small amount of time, not only do things change, lots of things happen.

The same normal routine occurred on Thanksgiving. I woke up to Mama yellin', as usual - this time her yell wasn't as loud. :) I ended up making a potato salad of which the recipe I was given by a twitter connect. LoL. How... random? Yeah. After making the salad I proceeded to the Turkey Bowl. My brothers and the rest of the local football boys were already at the field, lingering in disgusting locker room aroma on the bottom soccer field at the high school. Lani arrived and already the boys were engaged for about an hour on the field. I saw some of the girls, a class or two younger than my graduation class. I ended up choppin' it up with them for a good few before they left to commence their Thanksgivings with their own families. I saw a person of my past, that was interesting. I did ask to speak with him, but knowing that he has a significant other has kept me from my own request, thus I let it go. Didn't seem meant to be. So, I kept my distance. Afterwards the boys and I came back home, washed up and prepared for thanksgiving late lunch/early dinner.

This thanksgiving I've come to realize how funny my family is. We were crackin' jokes on eachother NON-STOP. I mean, there wasn't a single moment of silence at the table. I actually spat up my drink after my mom said something random and funny. My brothers proceeded to poke fun at her.

I've come to realize that my family is all I have. They are all I will ever have when happiness fades and when sadness enters the door. They're all I will ever need when I'm feeling completely alone. I love that they are always here for me, even without them knowing that they NEED to be here for me... sigh.

This thanksgiving was a bit hard, Gramma wasn't here, and I realize I missed thanksgiving with her last year bc I was in Italia... nothing wrong with that, but... I just realize I'm thankful for having her at Christmas time last year, and New Years this year, and for my birthday, and her birthday, and all the other holidays up until she left.

I'm humbled and blessed this thanksgiving... only God knows my heart and how broken I was all weekend bc of my situation with my love life, but even though -- I'm still thankful I have a family that is always making me smile.

Thank you, God... you always come through for me.

Time to sleep... gotta wake up and take the kiddies to school, oil change, car wash, gas up, and one last date with Del Teezy before I leave the land of Del Taco Heaven. lol

Great night world. :)

#truthis



I'm quite confused.
I can't think straight.
I want out.
I hate being here.
I wish I was in outer space.
I have to punch a wall.
I haven't cried until now.
I keep thinking back.
I love my mom & dad.
I miss my brothers.
I dont like my Gramma being in Samoa.
I found out I'm not alone.
I wont be here for long.
I swear I'm in denial.
I just want to be, successful.
I hunger for my future.
I aint finna hold back.
I gotta get thru this.
I like to cry alone.
I lowkey have a crush. 
I worry about my health.
I care too damn much.
I am too frkkn nice.


I recognized my mistakes.
I learned my lesson.


Truth is... I'm done.


Goodnight. 

11.25.2009

WTH - It's November

So, long long ago in a far away land called Barstow I do recall telling myself that I would begin blogging so as to not lose my writing skills... Hmm, lets all put our hands together for a clap off and yell a great big FAIL at Dess for not following through. Yayyy.

Truth be told, I've been blogging I just haven't been blogging on blogger. Myspace blogs are all up to date with my emotions and feelings and what not, and here I am trying to catch up. I will be trying to reconcile my myspace blogs with this blog, bc Myspace is so obsolete these days, I'm surprised I'm even trying to bring the word to life because it's definitely on it's death bed. So lots of updates, and here's goes a few just to keep the updated...

1. I'm single -- yeah yeah, shiznit happens. Here I go, lolly gaggin' a whole 2 months completely single, trying ever so passionately to move on, but I gotta be real with myself and come to realize that it's gonna take some time. Been there, done that, this one isn't as hard as my first one was, boy oh boy, but this one meant a little of a LOT more. *shrugs* Brace yourselves folks - Dess is def back on the market, but no sales price yet -- just up for the viewing.

2. I now live in my own humble abode -- with the ever so beautiful Beatrice. Yes I've been living in City High igh igh hood for almost 6 months. I love the apt, it's cute, comfy and cozy for Bea and I. A small 2 story townhouse, 2 bed 2.5 bath, granite counters, stainless steel appliances and wooden floors - it's beautiful and furnished, thanks to Wellsfargo that allowed me a loan to spend on it. :) Yup, house is lookin' good and for a long while I was obsessed with buying things for the house, I'm over it now though. :) Anyway, Bea and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE guests, all of our visitors that have come for a quick getaway want to return so I take it we're doing a really good job at being hosts. :)

3. My finances suck -- I'm still at my job, however thanks to the whack and brokearse state, the Library department on campus was cut $1million dollars from our $3million budget, so we have been forced to figure out how we are going to manipulate our budget and activities to some how to combat that $1milli that we don't have. Yes, I have volunteered as a represented union member to have my monthly salary cut, and I'm okay with it. Luckily I have parents that are stable enough to catch me when I call. :)

4. Debt aint no thang! -- So, with all of the hassle of my credit card debt racked up from undergrad I have finally been able to put it all under one complete bill after I applied for a consolidation loan and passed with flying colors. Thank you to Pops for establishing my credit early in high school and throwing me to the wolves to pay for everything on my own when I got to college. :) Life is good!

5. MY HAIR IS SHORT! -- So along the ways of creating my goals for this year, one was to cut my hair. I finally got nervy enough after my first "real breakup" with Conan to go and chop the crop in April. Dyed it and everything, the major WOW YOU CUT YOUR HAIR DESS factor. I didn't think I was going to keep up the style, it actually grew out a lot and I ended up going for another trim. After linking up with Manny Mizzle once I moved out of the Diva Palace I went in for another hair cut and color and boy have I been hooked. Typically Samoan girls like to keep their mane untouched but I have been so antsy about mine that I've cut it so much within the past couple of months that it's totaled way more than the amount of times I've cut my hair my entire life! Crazy, I know, 2009 called for change, and I embraced it well!

6. Twitter, my remedy - So yes, I've found a new social networking site and thank God it has removed my superficial instincts that have made me weary with myspace. Yes! It's the new IN thing for me, and quite frankly I enjoy it despite the fact that others may not be to tickled by it, I have a keen sense of networking on it and I just absolutely love it. Follow me @Kikkoman_Soy

I think that's all for now, I will holler laters - roger that!

Over and out.
Dess

11.20.2009

Dear Reader



My urge to pry and cry only seems to be suitable for a moment. This path I'm on, is one I have yet to travel for a long time, and though I have found myself halting often abruptly, I am always met with an induced smile from some element of a happiness I have not known for so long. Those other paths before now, I chose them, why? Maybe because I had so much in store to offer, along the road trip. Perhaps at that time I did not feel like blistering my own bare feet during travel would suffice for a mind that always thought for two. Now I find myself not welcoming any company to saunter this path into an unknown destination - not because they are simply not welcome, more so because I've traveled so long NOT being alone -- through this alone time I am learning more and more to love myself, something I haven't done in a LONG time. I have now taken the hand of the little girl that has lived within me and has been neglected for so long and have begun nurturing her for lack thereof in the past. My haiku to her...




I am sorry, 
Beyond the depths of a black hole of sorrow.
Please forgive me, I beg.




Though the path gets dusty, and I must flap away the dust myself with my small hands, I realize, my hands aren't that small, and my arms have gotten stronger at flapping it away since I've been on my own. Yes, the sun still shines treacherously onto my forehead, and though a drop of sweat rolls down my forehead, I still have my own sweat rag -- drenched not from sweat but the salty tears I have wept while on this path the first few hundred miles on my own, because unlike the way I presented it to be, it WAS and still IS a struggle, only now it has become a lighter one --  to wipe my brow before it ends up stinging my eyes.


This path isn't too bad, although it has been taking some time to adjust... but I have supporters, folks rooting me on from behind, and though my back may face many others that I can't necessarily deem "supporters" -- perhaps they are "spectators"? -- I pray and hope they will realize that I am doing this on my own, and looking forward and not back, NOT to turn my back on any of them, but to forcefully make myself accept that, what is in the past is definitely behind me - my love and care stays the same if it hasn't already grown of course... please, support me with the same love and care and allow me to venture into my future with your continual support.


Humbly yours,
Dessarina

10.22.2009

safety ropes

really miss him. I hope he's doing well.


I'm a mess. I am troubled on the inside, yet fine on the outside. 


This is hard. 


But this what I wanted... right?


I cannot be weak. I must move on.


It's a climb, and I don't have any safety ropes.








sigh. damn.

10.20.2009

Journey Forward - wait, REWIND



in' you.



Too safe. 


I guess I can't expect him to raise the bar as high as I did right? after all we're not together anymore so it doesn't "MATTER TO YOU" . He's right, it doesn't. 


The funny thing about it, I didn't even mean to raise it that high, aimed high and at the end of the story, I ended up flat on my face. 


It irritates me that there's a REAL DEEP, treacherous story, yet he only tries to show the "I'm climbing to the mountain top" part of the situation. IRRITATING. IRRITATED. IRATE. Why does this irritate me so much? Oh, cuz every guy has done that before. Duh Dess.


SMH. Nothing new.


From a character within the story, the song's aight. 
But of course, to the naive and astounded audience, the song's a smashing hit.


Keep doin' you. 

10.13.2009


Wow, word travels so fast these days, huh? lol


No time to reverse
the curse that stains the lips of those reading this verse...
Accelerate to 5th gear
anyone who has ears, let them hear...


"God bless you & take care"

9.24.2009

WARNING: Vulgar language

DISCLAIMER: I have grown plenty from this post, and I have just NOW chose to make it public. I was very angry, this was written the evening my boyfriend and I broke up - exactly 3 months before our 3 yr anniversary.


Who likes relationships? Anyone? Not I. If I had wings I could fly, far enough to live on my own. Why? Because these days men are so annoyingly irritant and irritat-ing, and though some claim to be different, they end up being the same. Fucked up and lame, I love you is what they claim. Sorry to burst your bubble, LOVE IS AN ACTION, uh oh, who the fuck's in trouble? He is, why? Bc he claimed to love me, at the drop of my first tear, and when was this, '06 was the year. Coo'd and caressed my soul with his will to listen,yet now somehow love was lost, he couldn't take the heat, so I told him get the fuck outta the kitchen. His goldi locks he may be rippin', out of his head until he's drippin, with sadness and dispair, and what, do I look like I care? Like I could give a shit if he's in pain? 3 years I've been walkin' in the fuckin' rain, where's my umbr-ella ella ella ay, there's nothing else I can say, ay ay, ay ay. He got me fucked up! Grown ass woman 23 years of age, my own car, my own place don't turn the page (yet), 4 year degree from an elite UC, I didn't get all A's, but B's get degrees! 43g income - can  you hold my card, I got hella bills cuz these times are hard. No I don't have a big ego, nor do I care about WHAT I am, but WHO I am is different bc I've lost who I am... Look at me, strong and sophisticated by the naked eye, yet I'm dealin' with THIS silly bullshit, my dude makes me cry. Verbally abused I can't lie, I'm disrespected time after time, and though I've begged for him to tame his tongue in the presence of mine, he's stubborn and ill tempered and my request? Declined. Strong and sophisticated to the naked eye am I, why the FUCK do I deal with this bullshit? Why does he make me cry? :*( Mascara runs down my cheeks, and I cry into my sheets, because my pillows are soaked, tears from every yesterday - my heart is  broke. Where the fuck did our relationship go? We used to sing, and play and talk all day. Now we fight and cry and argue the night away, say "I love you" to break the silence yet I can't keep up, say it so we can go to bed, yeah, our relationship is fucked. His ears probably bleed from my voice so loud, but even me screaming, i'm still screaming in a crowd, why? Becuase he doesn't listen, he hears me yet doesn't heed, unlike the old him, the one I actually need. When a phone call was out of WANT and not obligation - to check in, not feeling threatened but out of consideration. It's all been hateration! My mind fucks with me, and my mouth fucks with him, I'm not gonna lie, it's my most utilized sin, I can't help it, I've been fucked in relationships before, my ex nigga left me for ass, and my nigga now's a bore! I can't settle the score! What should be my bliss? Would I have rather been cheated on, or bored to death with nothing less than, this... 

sigh.

I'm frustrated I know, yet my mind can't continue to boil every day. Sadness does not live here, yet I think I will grant it visitation rights for now. When it rains, everyone gets wet, yet this cloud only seems to hang over my head. 3 years... of waste? I have no idea, because my soul once thought he was my half. And my mind still believes love will endure, but this? Man, where the hell did shit go wrong? And why the fuck do I feel like this? Emptied. Hallowed. Stripped.

My eyes cry because my heart can only bleed. My feet walk away  because my heart refuses to leave. My lips tremble because my heart can only beat. My head shakes (in disappointment) because my heart is so damn weak.

I'm frustrated and mad. Above all else, sad. 

I don't want it anymore.



I'm done.





9.15.2009

More of the like - Dboy/Dgirl business


*DISCLAIMER*
Please separate the writers from the characters - it's poetry - a form of artistry. No physical connection - simply poetry. lol. And this was written in April (or May... or march? lol)

So... lately I've had this urge to begin writing. If anyone knows me well enough, and reads my blogs, they know well and good that, yeah, DESS LOOOOOOVVVES WRITING. I'm blessed with a curse, I know. Anyhow, I haven't had the itch to write in a while, and now I've become completely restless with my life as to where I'm going with it in my young years with the lack of extracurricular activities. Ever since I've tossed the tassle I've put on the AD-ult cap and I am bored miserably with life. So... after twittering suggestions on what my next creative story should be about Danny shoots out a great idea. Furthermore, he suggests a collabo. How great right? 2 heads are ALWAYS better than one. ;) Anyway, here's a glimpse at a previous "collabo" sort of piece we did randomly back in the spring. A little call and response poetry exchanged with myself and DBoy aka TamaIrieFilms. He actually peer pressured me into responding with name calling. LoL! No hurt feelings, I'm kinda glad. I'm always up for a challenge. ;)

View his myspace page at myspace.com/samoanspikelee and follow him at twitter.com/tamairiefilms. If you haven't noticed by the url, he's an up and coming film maker - check him out. 

Me on the other hand, yeah I'm just tryin' to get back into my lyrical game. LoL. Been on the injured list too long. Typically I write really dark poems about silence, solitude, hatred and such (my outlet to keep me from being emo I guess?). LoL, I know, shocking, but it's so true. Occasionally I'll write a love poem, but, that was all when I didn't know what love was, and yearned for it. Now I know what it is... anyhow, I'm not really accustomed to the trashy romance novel poetry as to be read below, but I figured I'd give it a try since DBoy served as the gateway. Words are pretty powerful - entrancing almost.


-----


DBOY: I awoke this morning with a smile on my face. No matter the circumstance i am blessed to have dwelled in her grace. Slightly I retrieve my arm from under her temple that I held tight throught the night. I tramped into the kitchen to fix her a breakfast meal her grandmother couldn't compete with, dressed it up real nice and served it to her with delight. She awoke from her slumber only to gaze into my eyes, I was all she wanted for breakfast; we connected, in between each other's thighs. Did we confuse love with lust? Each thrust shifts us farther from the answer until there is no answer, no question asked, only a smile on her face because she dabbled well in my grace. 

Dess: Though there had been no answer from her, she laid back basking in the nostalgic love of her First... had she taken this breakfast "love" a little too far? An event that terminated in the bedroom yet commenced in the car? My my, what a promiscuous girl she had been, caved in by the sweet tasting words of his sin, an adulterer, the scarlet letter he hid up his sleeve. She, a sideline lover? She'd soon become peeved. But, lightly, she could care less, the pleasure was sweet. Engulfed by the sugar of sin dripping from his lips, she smiled and turned to stare into the emptied abyss. Without the slightest notice of her fried eggs and ham, she did not retract her butterfly dragon thoughts of her man, a man faithful, and loyal, deserving of gold - undressed with the scorned letter of a story already told. See, this breakfast casanova was only eye candy in the distance, like the last wonka bar on the shelf she snatched him with the quickness, rustled in the car and soon became restless, moved it to the backseat and soon became helpless - overcome with the disease of lover's amnesia, love WAS confused with lust after she dosed up on the anesthesia. A night nurse, with a thirsty curse of lust, often she'd throw out her relationship built solely on trust. Steady she'd fiend for what she didn't have, not realizing she had greatness without needing to grab. Will her confusion of love and lust carry on? She attempts to unconfuse it every morning at the break(fast) of dawn. 


------------

Like I said, i tried. LoL. I miss creative writing. 

Tryin' to get my groove back.

9.12.2009

Dboy/Dgirl buisness


More poetry from DBOY and Dess. :)

Before you read this, I want you to know that I created some verses for dramatic effect. Please do not be too alarmed, 98% of this speaks from true insecurities, yet, with a humble heart, I gladly accept who I am.

We both speak about different conflicts... :)

OH YEAH - THIS IS DEF NOT LIGHT READING. lOl.


----------

Deep into my mind I wrestle, like Jacob and God, all night - I fight - I am she and it's She versus Her. She can speak volumes that reaches God's front porch, mocked and scorned by a spectator that with his gavel has already adjourned on the preconceived notion that She is... "different".

People see me and think SHE. She is different. She, talks “white”…  sounds funny and smells weird, and is sometimes odd and particular with what she says. She, is “tainted”… kissed and smothered by the sun’s rays, scorched lands of the Sahara desert would seem fitting for her origin. She, is lacking - in athletic talents that have been strongly exemplified through all 3 of her brothers, the apple does not fall too far from the tree, yet She was thrown to the waste side. She is of an unknown aesthetic make up, uncommonly identified by naive minds who are without knowledge of her kind. Are you mixed, with black? They commonly ask. She thanks them for the compliment, but no, she is not Black, Puerto Rican, Indian, Mexican, Pnay or any of the above.  She is Samoan - or is she not?

She is cut and bleeds red and white stripes, navy blue and white stars - and only the tail feathers of a bald eagle. Though she has the blood of her ancestors that reigned the Navigation Islands she is bred AMERICAN SAMOAN and is plagued with the disease of being, plastic - and because of this, she fights. She did not choose to be conceived in the mainland, yet she is grateful for parents that sought the American Dream . This double edged sword of raising children in the mainland results in a child with better opportunity, yet lacking so much in enrichment in their true culture - or was it just She? She was taught English first, a blessing and a curse. She thinks back to the lack of ability her father had to communicate in the military when he joined 30 years ago. Straight from the rock, he read lips and followed the leader with commands - dare he have his children follow the same suit when their time comes? Hell no he replied, and thus he kept She from it. "No Samoan spoken in this home" he claimed, and the rule reigned over all 4 of his offspring. She's thankful for his protection and guidance, but still carries the burden alongside with her father, knowing that She is still, without. 

She doesn’t fully understand the fa’alavelave. Perplexed in the mind, she questions the exchange of monetary gifts she helped present. She cannot sulu an i’e. Fe’aus await her hands for service yet they are too busy trying to keep her lavalava from falling.  She cannot read the Tusi Paia without a snicker or snare and I'm not talking candy and drums. Trembling lips fail to pronounce the long "A" on tam'a - she turned Father into a boy - and she is pierced with the glare of an elder woman that questions, "You don't know Samoan?". The language of her ancestors. She hangs her head low and she replies with a faint "no".

She vs HER.

She wishes she were Her, the Teine Samoa who was raised with the birthright of her sisters bred from the fresh soils of an island paradise. Her who is able to carry the si'i and bow at the right time and angle to present a love offering to God's chosen messenger. Her who can grace the stage with an awe-struck presence of purity and beauty to represent her aiga with the headpiece of a princess and the title, Taupou. Her who can communicate with without tugging on her mother's i'e for a translation. She struggles to be her.

I am She, and She is me, but I so long to be Her.

I've wished on every star in the sky to be pleasantly presented in the eyes of my people, yet my lack of confidence and eagerness to portray only finds me disappointed and flustered with the outcome. I'm not without knowledge of my kind, I'm just born into the new age generation of being American Samoan. I am not as strong physically as the teines and tamas that labor in the simplicity of life of the cultivated fields in Samoa. Yet I am strong mentally like those that refused to labor at the commands of the Germans during the colonization of Samoa. I am not talented with the athleticism to carry a winning team to the 'ship of a volleyball match or a football game. Yet, I have sophisticated my talent to write that can carry minds far beyond the courts of our Maker.
 
The final round in this battle with She and Her is tapped out by Me. Overwhelmed with frustration, wisdom overcomes. I realize that, as She fights to be Her, She bruises the essence of not Her or She... no one else, but Me.

-------------------

DBOYYYYY... show 'em what you workin' with!
 
CONFLICTION...
(I am a prisioner on the inside, as well as the outside) I can paint a piccasso of the courage it must take one to live the life they want to live; you see me, that is not quite what I did. Instead of facing ridicule and humiliation from those held immensley close to my heart, I live the life more suitable on the outside. But inside I'm in prision doin life for not snitchin, on myself. Surely my cell gets conjested causing little signs of truth to seep out of open crevices'. Shawshank redemption is near but the consequences of escaping I am not able to inflict upon my wounded soul. Wounded & Conflicted by culture, religion, tradition, and expectations, my mind and my heart duel for righteousness. Despite exhaustion, Insomnia forces me to play out the screenplay of my imagination, the very script I long to live. I become engulfed with the protagonist, bringing the character to life. Critics are spellbound by my performance referring to it as a delightful tour-de-force. However, the only 1 critiquing me, is me. No 1 has inspired me with true friendship to allow so close, even those few who have heard the truth uttered from my speech. Fatigue of a facade leaves me in despair. Enabling the prisioner to become intoxicated with power over me. Consider this his playtime on the field. Rebellious toward me for my actions, he creates havoc within my conscience indulging in his vices creating emotional bliss for him to weaken my decision. Fucked up way to live, I'm sure. But to loose those who love me would be unbearable. So do I live the life I want? Or do I live the life I know? I know, I know, its my life, I should live it and be comfortable in my skin. The walls I built to keep my prisioner inside are roaring. The echo increases with every thrust. You can't keep the innoncent caged up forever. The inmate chained to my soul can no longer remain destitude. Slowly and securley I feed his thirst. But what will come of it? Truth? I and I can't handle it. But like the sun, the truth always rises, and my prisioners one wish is to live where the sun always shines.
Conflicted

8.31.2009

LIES and LIARS - please read

**written August 31,2009**


Lies don't fix things. They don't even make things easier, at least not in the long run. Best to tell the truth and then clean up an honest mess."




                                                                           -- Chosen by P.C. and Kristen Cast


If you MUST find any reason to lie to me for any reason, I STRONGLY encourage you to resist. As stated above, lying does not FIX things, it does not make you a better person, it does not create a better image for yourself. It doesn't make things easier either, in the present or future - it makes it harder for you to conceal bullcaca.


Feel no need to lie to me. I am a forgiving person, and mark my words, I WILL forgive you - sooner and quicker than you think. I am MUCH more appreciative of a person who can be up front with me. I also grow the utmost respect for those who can be completely honest and endure consequences as a result of whatever actions from whatever the situation.


Be honest, take the heat, and lets move on.


Life is about moving forward.


Baggage isn't sexy yall, not. at. all - and I intend on being as sexy as possible, so I make every attempt to relinquish any unnecessary rubbish at the first opportunity.




HAHAHAHA. JK on that sexy as possible part, but for reals folks - be honest, be real, if you did something wrong, accept the consequences, endure, learn your lesson and move on in life. This helps you grow as a better person, believe me.


Feel no need to lie to me, I am a strong woman and I can handle the truth - and I don't trip off of the small things, so don't waste a lie on me, save it for someone else who can't handle the truth. LoL. (Don't put too much energy in trying to figure out what lie to say to me, for real, lol, I am totally fine with the truth.)


Have a blessed day folks. :)

8.26.2009

Satan is SOOO persistent.


*WARNING: If you're an avid reader, you may take joy in this "light reading", if not, you may just want to skip to the bottom summary. :) Either way, be blessed*

So, Sunday all day I had highly anticipated going to the Rock. It has been such a long time since I've actually been to a service since I've been in and out of Barstow, that I have actually skipped a couple of weeks of service. Yeah, yeah... don't judge me. :P Earlier that day I made up my mind, 7pm service it would be, end my day on the right note and meditate on God's word as I began a new week, right? Right... guess what folks, it's testimony time.

So Saturday evening I text Michelle (coworker) and Monica (running partner/friend) if they want to go to service at 7pm. Michelle hits me back and says that she wont be able to this week, which was fine. Monica on the other hand anticipated going to service with me since the week before so I was determined to make it happen this week. Later that evening, Bea (roomie) and I go walking downtown and hear this strange call from the otherside of the street "Uh uh, uhhh uh!" -- lo and behold, it's Monica bein' noisy in laughter. After girl chat, Monica says that she's down to go to service. SWEET, we're gonna make it happen right? Maybe...

Sunday rolls around and of course, I am completely lazy out of pure tiredness. I roll around in bed, go downstairs, watch TV and end up eating leftovers from the day before. 3 o clock rolls around and I tell myself I'm going to take a nap, wake up around 5:30 and get ready for church and be there for worship. Wooo, gotta plan, lets execute!

I fall asleep around 4pm and then I wake up around 5:45. I'm gettin' ready and I text Monica to remind her of service... she ends up texting me being unable to go becuase she has family in town. SAD FACE. Now I am going to church by my lonesome. Invited two girls, and both for whatever reason are not coming, so I tell myself, okay God, it's me and YOU time. I'm down. There's always a reason for everything right? :) I wash up, prepare myself mentally as I begin derssing myself for service. Even though it's night service and the Rock is a very "come as you are" wardobe type of church, I always hear my mom in the background saying "You're not wearing that to church" so I always try to ensure that I wear something she wouldn't respond with that saying to. 

I hit the road and I'm early enough that there is ample parking spaces in the side parking lot. SCORE - it usually takes a good 15 minutes and half a tank of gas to find a parking spot after circling and circling, but today, I found a spot easily, so I pull right in. As I open my door and put my keys in my purse, I lock my door because late, I've been catching myself on random occasions not locking my car, I was determined not to forget tonight though, haha, very deteremined. So after locking the doors, I hop out of the car and hold the door open with my foot (trying to multitask, which I have proven on several accounts to be terrible at) and attempt to fix my very "stylish" scarf (Bryan said so at work, haha) so that I am not lookin' a hot mess on my way in to church. I end up pulling my leg out from stopping the door to close to keep my balance, and yeah, guess what... the door closed, not completely, but it definitely locked. There I stood, hitting myself in the forehead becuase there in the front seat sat my purse, with my wallet and car keys flashing - luring any passerby to simply break into my #1 stolen car in San Diego of a Honda and be on his marry way maxing out what's left on my credit cards. Great, this is JUST. MY. DAY. I stood there thinking, hmmm, how should I proceed? Should I forget about church and try to figure out how to get my spare key from Bea? Should I call and pay for a locksmith? Should I just go to church. Like I said yall, Satan is so persistent, I decided NOT to give into him, so I told myself - Dess, you're at church, these are Godly people, and God is on your side. Go to church, trust that God's got your back, and lets go to church" -- Done deal, I was sold, so I took a deep breath, said a quiet prayer and proceeded to the entrance of the church empty-handed (feeling super unprotected without my sword). I've seen plenty of people go to church empty handed, mostly because the church provides bulletins and handouts with the scripture, but I am alwaysin the habit of bringing my bible to church, and find it very odd when I see people without one... then again, there's my mother's voice againg "WHERE'S YOUR BIBLE?! GO LOOK FOR IT." - as loud and demanding of a voice as you can imagine, is the tone she would take with me and the brohams. Ha.

I'm sitting there in church, trying with every energetic atom in my body to not think of my car and the situation. Satan can't hold me down yall! Lemme praise and worship and forget about the car... nope, Satan was winning, worry filled my mind, I kept trying to figure out how I was going to call ANYONE without my phone (people don't memorize phone numbers like they used to), and I the worst thought I had... I had no offering. :( I had two dollars left in my wallet and I was really excited to be a cheerful giver and give "all that I had", and yet, nope, I couldn't even do that. Pastor Miles wasn't there today, sadly (please forgive me Lord) I always get to disappointed when he's not there to deliver the sermon... I really ought to stop that, God uses all people to deliver the message, I  need to recieve it whenever it comes and by whoever delivers it. The sermon was about when God is silent... sometimes it means you jut have to be silent too! Be silent and WAIT... LISTEN... PRAISE him. All these points were def hitting right on the money, but Satan was still tuggin' at my thoughts with worry about the car. So, half way through the sermon, I think, God, I know there is reason for everything that happens, I'm going to ask these church folks if I can use the phone to call Bea and have the key delivered to me by some way of divine intervention. I counted to 10 (nobody likes to just get up and leave in the middle of a sermon) and got up and proceeded towards the exit.

I ask the front desk if I can use the phone and they were such caring Christians, one dude asked if I had an atenna bc if I did, he could "break in" to my car with it... I kinda laughed, he was def a volunteer for the church... however I didn't have an antenna. I decided in this event, I'd just phone a friend, but first I had to phone 411 becuase I didn't know Bea's work number. I dial 411 hesitantly, because I didn't know if the folks at the desk thought I was lying or something... hey, anything could happen. I ask the operator for the number to Bea's work and after finding it, the operator says "we will now connect you at no additional charge" -- I suddenly felt shameful... I just charged the church .75 cents to make this call bc of my stupid mishap of locking my keys in the car. Long story short, Bea was able to get Preston to deliver the keys to me, but he said it would take him another hour to get here. I debated -- hmmm, sit here in the cold and wait (for free)? Or call the locksmith and pay? -- Seein' as it's the end of the month and I only get paid at the beginning of every month, I decided, I'd have to do some laps around the lot to keep warm, because waiting was gonna have to do. Ha.

I waited, and as I waited I strolled through the Vons shopping center. Funny thing, I was in a section that sold all kitchen gadgets and appliances and I literally saw every item and every price and was completely amazed and the stuff I saw. Someone invented a measuring spoon that has a sliding measurement boundary, slide it up for 1/8, slide it down for 1/4, down again for 1/2, etc. SUPER COOL! Same thing for a measuring cup, it was pretty awesome. (Don't judge me, I appreciate the little things in life). I see all these people walking around and I keep telling myself - ask her nicely to use her phone, or ask that dude sitting at his laptop for a quick gchat session with Bea... I failed at all attempts because I was too embarrassed. LoL. So I just sat on a bench in the parking area waiting for Preston. I see this kid gathering carts in the lot and texting on his phone and I tell myself "Ask him, he's not working anyway" LoL - he gets nearer and I grow the courage to ask "Hey, would you guys happen to have a phone for customer use?" he directs me to the inside office, and off I went. SCORE, after asking the cashier, she leads me to a phone, and I call Bea (I had written the phone # on my hand, and almost washed it off three times after using the restroom). Bea tells me Preston is in the lot and he can't find me, I jump for joy in Vons, hang up and speed out to find Preston driving right past me so I yell for him. After unlocking my door with the spare key, I thank him humbly and he heads off and I end up sitting in my car thinking. Thank you God, you are the best.

So what do I do? I realize I'm hungry and I head to iHop. LoL. I know right? Don't judge me. haha. "Table for 1" I say as the waiter greets me at the front. He takes me to a booth and I sit there and think - wow, WHAT A LONER! LoL. But, as said before, I'm alone, but never lonely. :) So I order up hot chocolate, an appetizer sampler and a short stack of pancakes (don't you DARE judge me hahahaha). While waiting, and after a brief phone call, I tell myself - oh, let me go through the scripture from today, it'd be a great time to reflect. Yeeeah! So I pull out my bulletin from today and grab my Bible and flip it to Mark 7. The story of the woman who asks Jesus to heal his daughter. Heard this sermon plenty of times, but there's always something different to take each time. So after reading the scripture, I read the spotlight story to the right of the passage (my special women's Bible has spotlight stories from different women with different questions). The spotlight story is about a woman who is strong willed, just like the woman in the story, strong willed to ask Jesus to heal her demon possessed child. After reading the questions began reaching out to me. How was this woman strong willed? How have you been strong willed lately? - Ooooooh, God you is GOOD!!! Like a nail that drills perfectly after 1 pound of the hammer, I was set in place and everything that happened tonight made sense.

Satan is very persistent. Michelle cancelled and so did Monica, and despite me feeling very lonely and a bit shy to head to church on a solo tip, I had to see through it. I almost decided to make up an excuse and not go to church becuase I didn't have anyone accompanying me. Nope, not gonna let Satan win this one, I begin my trip to church. After that, I make it to church and BAM, I lock my keys in my car, with my wallet, my phone and my bible. Feeling completely stranded and helpless, I could have easily ignored church and paid full attention to my car and ended up not going at all because I had to tend to this car issue. Nah man, not gonna let Satan win this one either, I head inside the church becuase this is God's time, not mine. After an hour and a half of waiting for the spare key to get into my car, I could have easily just headed home and slept and blown off every lesson to be learned today, but as I sat there at ihop sipping on hot chocolate, I decided to pull my Bible out, my notebook and bulletin and WAIT... LISTEN... and PRAISE God for helping me defeat Satan. The word spoken to my heart that night came strong, and in perfect timing. How have I been strong willed lately? My will was pretty strong to keep from letting Satan win all night, and what a reward I received after being persistent-errr than Satan. ;) Not only was I persistent there, I began to reflect and realized, I've been pretty strong willed in different areas in my life that don't allign with Gods. Wow, Jesus take the wheel, is it me, or do I feel super convicted right now?... "Convicted, but not condemned" Pepa and Romeo said... the theme for YFC's camp this year. Wow, I didn't' even go to the camp and the theme speaks volumes.

After journaling in my notebook I asked for a box and the check. Boxed up half of the appetizer left, sipped the remainings of my hot chocolate and signed the receipt with a nice tip for the waiter - he was so polite, and kept calling me sweetie. LoL. In addition, he took good care of me (hot chocolate refills) while I was reading my Bible, so I left a $3 tip on my card and the $2 in my wallet that I wanted to give for offering today. I figured, if I couldn't give it to God today, I'll give it for being in the likeness of God, serving with a cheerful heart... I prayed a blessing over him in my thoughts as I walked out the door. There are good days, and there are great days. Despite today starting off lazy and ending up rough, it concluded in being a GREAT day. :)

All in all, the testimony is that, I invited 2 friends to church with high anticipation. Both weren't able to go. I ended up locking my keys in my car but still went to church. I left half the sermon to figure out how to solve the situation. I had to wait an hour and a half in the parking lot after church ended for the spare key. Instead of going home to sleep I went to Ihop to eat and read up on the rest of the sermon. I read the strong-willed spotlight and realized, everything today happened for a reason, and despite the blundrs of the evening and missing half the sermon - I took home a message that really hit it on the money. Satan always presents the obstacles that keep you from going where you're SUPPOSED to go, and doing what you're SUPPOSED to do. Whether we pass of fail at these obstacles, rest assured, Satan will try and come up with another one - Satan is sooooo persistent. But, there is a STRONGER man than he who attempts to plunder all the goods... and through it all, God had me, everything worked out in the end and all was well. :)

So, that's it. The end.

Goodnight, world. 

8.22.2009

Pregnancy


Heccccckkkkkkkkkkkk naw I aint pregnant folks!!! In 10 years, inquire, until then, inspire. LoL! jkjkjk. 

So, of all days to pick to watch all of my 16 & Pregnant recordings (haha, all 6 eppys, including the finale and Life after Labor)… I pick the day I feel most lonely. Well, I can't really say I'm lonely, I'm just alone, haha. “Lonely” implies that I do not like (or love for this matter) the person that I am with, and since I love myself (in a very confident and non-narcissistic way of course) I will admit, I am simply alone, and not lonely. Since today is my day off. J....
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Well, now that I’ve tossed the disclaimer out there, I’ll go ahead and proceed with my normal thought provoking blog (as if). J Continuing from my earlier claim of watching 16 & Pregnant, I’ve become completely overwhelmed with emotions. Hhhhyeah? Anyone ELSE get that sudden urge of letting a flippin waterfall rain on down your cheeks? First off, these are young girls, I say girls, because they are still in high school. Such pretty ones, all different shapes, sizes, relationships, backgrounds blah blah. You get the picture. So I’m sitting here and the first thing I think when I watch this show is – “damn, WHATTA life”. One girl sacrificed graduating and joining the Navy for her child. Another girl decided to take on her mommyhood as a single mother (what guts). The most courageous of them all (in my opinion of course) actually gave gave her child a better life through adoption (and to a very wonderful Christian couple who had been trying to have babies for so long). I hate the whole “gave up for adoption” way of phrasing the practice, because there are actually some young teens out there (I’ve come to realize through this show) who realize, they can’t provide, and want to give their child a better life by allowing another couple, a set of “ready-to-be-parents” who are willing to provide full fledged for a child. Amen, and praise the Lord for adhering to wisdom at such a young age. ....
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With each and every episode I have to admit I’ve done a little bit of judging. Of course, MTV just loves ruining people’s lives through the extensive use of “reality tv” shows that illustrate and exaggerate just how bratty, egotistical, sassy and promiscuous people are. Haha. It’s very funny, lol. One girl (Ebony) remained to be a totally strong woman, as she dealt with the difficulty of getting her boyfriend to grow up. Another girl (Maci) actually went through extreme relationship havoc after her son was born, and damn I just wanted to punch her boyfriend in the face for being super unsupportive (that heffa). Then there’s Catelynn and Tyler, my favorite couple… for why? Perhaps because Tyler was super supportive of Catelynn and he had such an endearing relationship (or so, what was “portrayed” in the show). Anyway, aside from all this, I’m sure the point of MTV portraying these up and coming ladies, soon to be women (with child) was to show that there is a side dish of an extensive and exuberant amount of growth that comes with the entrĂ©e of having a child. ....
.. ..
So all the while I’m watching these young girls have children, I think of all the women in this world who can’t have children, and who have been trying for years. Suffice it to say, I’ve known quite a few women in my time who have been unable to have children years and years after they’re blessed marriages have begun, and I sometimes get to thinking about the irony in this world. A throbbing heart deep in my chest cries for women who can’t have children while there are young girls at the innocent and pure age of 16 are popping them out by the dozen. It’s to the point that I’ve almost made it a fear of my own that I may be completely barren and unable to ever be with child. LoL. I dunno, this world is weird and cruel, and that may definitely be a possibility. Go figure, at a time in my life where I’m anxious to get married and have children, I stunt my own future happiness with anxiety and mental thoughts of not being able to produce my own little Dessaliciouses – Well, Dessaliciousos.. because I want boys boys boys, and only 1 girl. After growing up with three brothers and witnessing my life as the only girl, I realize that if I had more than one daughter with even half the traits as I do, I’d really flip my whig. Not that I’m at all difficult to deal with, just that, girls have so much more maintenance to deal with, I would love to only have 1… J great, watch the Good Lord spite me and give me like 12 daughters before ever having a son. LoL. Anyhow, the whole tv show just shed light on this world in many aspects, especially the one I’ve just mentioned.....
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Another aspect it begs to point out is the absolute beauty of life. I am a freaken sucker for child birth, I cried when Juno gave birth. I cried my freaken eyeballs out, and what for? Have I completely lost my strength and dignity to hold myself together while amongst the citizens of this nation in dier need of sarcastically witted dramedy’s at the box office? SHEESH. I took health my summer going to 9th grade, I remember it like yesterday. Who taught the class? Mmm, Coach Brooks (applause and cat calls). Yes, every teenage girl’s dream of a health teacher. Masculinely built, a 6’0 piece of brawn with brown hair and captivating eyes, the attitude of a football coach, all about sports, athletes and such, it was hard to learn for some girls at that time. He wasn’t my type, too brawn for me, lol, I see straight through muscles. Anyway, because I had the football coach for health class, we paid no mind to the “miracle of life” when it came to learning that at that young adolescent age. No, we learned about PCP, Gonorrhea, angel dust – basically drugs and sex diseases. Every since then, I’ve always felt like I missed out on that part of my teenage years, lol. Everyone else says they’ve seen the video in health class, and I guess I can thank Coach Brooks for delaying my tears of joy from witnessing the miracle of life. Sheesh.....
.. ..
All these thoughts and all these pregnant women around me just make me want to have a baby. Kinda. LoL. Sometimes I wonder how much advantage I’ll take of eating just because I’m pregnant. Hahahahaha, what a FATTY! I wonder how my parents will react when they find out – Cuz they’re the only ones from both sides of the family that aren’t grandparents yet LoL. I wonder how the world will react, LoL! I know the family is just WAITING on some sort of progression in my life since I’ve graduated college, but of course, the wait is always a staggeringly painful time, now isn’t it, Family? (lol) – I do encourage them all to wait patiently – time is OF THE UTMOST ESSENCE, and everything will come to pass in due time. Of course the sound of whaling hungry infants will definitely be heard much longer after the sound of church bells and Pachelbel cannon in D major for moi. Until then, I guess I’ll dream of little MEs, and cherish the moments that I’m still able to have little ME time aside from work and everything else that consumes me.
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The end. J....