Woe is me?

For the past 5 years I have given almost everything I had away. In accumulation I've given more than just 5 years of my life away. My TIME, my love, my life, my money, my dreams, my hopes, my generosity, my kindness, my friendliness - my BEST... and my heart.

It is very sad that it has come to such an ending like this. Here I am, eager to explore another unknown world. Why is it so unknown? Because I've become so foreign to a world on my own where I care only for myself. How do I know how to care for everyone other person in the world except for myself? Why do I give my BEST to others and cannot give my best to MYSELF? This is how my insides get scarred in the hopes that the golden rule will be played. Treat others as you want to be treated right? Hmmm, that's no so much a fair trade off, because not EVERYONE plays by the rules. I mean, I always try to.

What malfunctioned in all of those years of seeing such heartbreak and happiness? Did I forget to press Record so that I could replay what TO DO and what NOT TO DO? Did I forget to Save these memories? Why am I NOW looking into my files of the past and finding out that hey... looky here Dess! All this has happened before! WOW Dess. What a magnificent discovery that you are REPLAYING history! Did you NOT take enough political strategy classes to know that you should not replay the bad parts of history?!

I am some how overcome with bitterness to do some unthinkable things, however, I am being very careful to not replay other people's history. I'm throwing in the towel on all the love crap. Okay, it's not CRAP, but that match of love and hate for rounds and rounds until no end, ding ding ding, is over. I guess I can dip in the unknown and really appreciate this time that I have to myself.

I can only give so much TIME until abuse shatters the hour glass. What do ya know, the second hour glass I sat here in stupidity watching, waiting to see time restart. Sitting, staring in anxiety as I sat at the end of the table with my head rested upon my palms on the table. Tears streaming from my eyes waiting... and waiting.

Then of course, when the glass breaks there's always a rush of SUDDEN remorse to grab the pieces that are left - wishing there was glue to put it all back together. Not this time, I'm not replaying history again.

So many mistakes. Not one regret. I can't be too upset, right? The lesson is learned for me. 2nd time around is easier, after all, what's another heartbreak to a heart that has ALREADY been broken before!?! LoL! Jeepers, I really need to write a book. So, here's to the ending of sleepless nights of broken promises, hate words, tears, reopened wounds with salt, and the like.

It's ME time.


Frustrated On-Looker

Every day after work I ride the shuttle back home. It's not too bad, at first I was super skeptical about doing so, only because... I don't know, I hadn't taken the shuttle around San Diego for that purpose.

Anyhow, not many things happen on the shuttle. Once I arrive to the shuttle stop, there's usually a long winding centipede of students waiting in line, eager to get home after long days of class and such. This time - no line, SWEET! I'm gonna get home in good timing. Lolly-gaggin' my way on to the bus, I am searching for a seat towards the back entrance. I usually like to sit in the first seat in the front, but it was to no avail at this moment, so I had to proceed to the back. Right across from the back exit there are three seats facing the door. I saw one girl sitting on the far left seat reading a book. YES! I thought, and I scurried my way to the far right seat.

Sitting there I began looking out the window, watching the pavement run to the right side of the window as we passed. Usually, I mind my own business while on the bus - my bus rides usually consist of me blasting my ipod beyond eardrum handle-age and I just sit there and fall into a deep trance between the music and I. This time, I failed to remember to grab my iPOD off the jack in my room, so I was forced to entertain myself with the bus riders that accompanied me.

As I sat there, I looked over to the girl sitting two seats away. She was reading a book - what kind of book? I have no idea, nor did I really care after I saw what she was doing to the book. As she sat there reading this book, she would crumple the corners and edges of each page she read. IT WAS FRUSTRATING!

Granted, I do know that at times, there are people who need to focus by fiddling with something while they are speaking in public, or something of that nature, but this act, this type of behavior was absolutely absurd! She kept doing it. As she read page 113, she crumpled the right hand corner profusely, and then insisted on trying to straighten the corner after doing so, while still reading. As if she hadn't ruined the book already. She even, at one point, tore one of the pages slightly, and tried to piece it back together with some imaginary glue she thought her fingers could secrete at the fingertips when she tried to put the page back together. UGH! I work at the Library, and although I don't specifically deal with books, I take it to heart the preservation of library materials. So what if that may have been her personal book, that is just untidy and oddly disrespectful to the book! It's bad enough books are highlighted! There she went, proceeding to page 113, and her left hand began crumpling away at the left edge. I tried to resist my eyes growing into the size of golf balls with frustration as I watched from two seats away. There I was, onlooking this wretched habit, squeezing my hands, restraining them from grabbing out to the book to save the poor thing!

I ended up pulling out my phone to mass text a few of my girlfriends. I had to release this anger some how. It was all too weird, and I figured that venting to someone completely neutral would be the perfect way to go about channeling my feelings.

All the girls I texted agreed with the strange behavior. I just sat there the rest of the bus ride, staring out the window, still hearing the faint and distinct sound of her crumpling pages, and trying to smooth them out, when the page had obviously already been destroyed.

My thought for today. Even though this totally happened some time last. :)


Act Like a LADY... Think like a man. ;-)

Aight, haven't done one of these in a while, but for all of those women who need to be empowered and strengthened by a man (if it ain't your own)... THIS.IS.FOR.YOU.

First off, let's start with the mere fact that this book is written by one of the most talented enterainers in the business, Steve Harvey. Look at him, with his shiny bald head, delectible dimples and sharp white suit. Doesn't he LOOK like he knows what he's talkin' about? I mean, COME.ON! :D

If you thought you had men figured out, please take a look at this book and see if your views allign with Steve's. Seriously, I'm not an expert, but this book really  breaks it down for you in terms of men. :) 

Men - they are about 3 things, and 3 things only ladies. Who they are, what they do, and how much they make. Until they figure out all three of these things, they do not have time for you. In essence, we ladies want them to know this before hand right? Right... check. Thank you Steve Harvey, I applaud you for breaking that down so effortlessly. 

You will know a man loves you by 3 distinct things - 3 P's: Profess, provide, protect. Yes ladies, if he hasn't claimed you in at least 90 days, drop him like it's hot, because there's no use in burnin' your hands for the next dude that wants to come along and hold it. Every man likes to claim what is his, whether it be a car, shoes, clothes, a nice phone - and better yet, his lady. If you have no title within 90 days, give or take a month or two, he needs to be LEFT. Men, always want to provide for their women. It's in their "DNA" as Steve states it. They want to shower you with gifts, they WANT to build that manlyhood of knowing that they can give you what you want, they are seriously driven on that fact that when you need something that is of the absolute essence (or not, in some cases) they can provide for you. Let him pay for that dinner, do not take half the bill, and allow him to shower you with gifts. We need to quit the indenependence ladies, it's not attractive when we are doing a man's job for him - why? Because he'll end up leaving you. What's the use of having a man when you can do everything he does for yourself, and WANT to, all the time? Stop it. In addition, men want to protect. Protect what's his, what's yours, whatever needs to be protected. He wants to do that because men are built on that notion that they are strong leaders and must always take care and protect you from harm. 

Men - need 3, and only 3 things from us women - Support, Loyalty and, get this, The "Cookie". Support your man in all that he does, do no throw in his face how imperfect he is, do not throw in his face how much better you are at life than him, and most of all, do NOT throw in his face that you can do anything greater than him because he can't amount to anything. All men need to know is that we can support them throughout their endeavors, even if that means for us to step back and think - "Wow Babe, you're REALLY dreaming BIG" about him thinking that he can rule the world. In a man's heart, he can do whatever he sets his mind to, and providing that support for him allows him to achieve great things. Not only do they need our support, they need our loyalty. They need to know that when a 250, 6'4, light brown hazel eyes, ripped 6 pack with bulging muscles walks in with a fine edge up, you aren't going GAGA for the eye candy. He wants to be able to feel comfortable to see some chocolate, mocha, vanilla, anything piece of goodness walk in, and still know that his girl is ALL.ABOUT.HIM. Give him that secruity in knowing, that you ain't goin' NOWHERE! :) Lastly, the COOKIE. Oh yes, the cookie. Give him the cookie, he works hard, he puts up with your crap on the daily, and he makes every attempt to profess, provide and protect you! Now, I'm not saying be an easy piece of candy and give yourself in a matter of minutes. Once he proves himself to be a great guy, go ahead and grant him that cookie ladies - you know he's dying for it! ;)

I love this book. It makes things so simple, since we women tend to complicate things. Men are completely different creatures than we are, and the reason we find ourselves so upset with him when we expect change and blah blah is because he doesn't see love like we do. Women are nurturers, we care for him, go through hell and high water to the ends of the world to see that he is happy... he just wont do that in return. A real man will figure out his own first, and then shower you with love in a different way. We can't expect that they will completely reciprocate the same kind of love that we give, cuz they simply don't give it that way!

A+ Steve, I love it. ;)


3 Ps

it's so clear now.

3 p's


if he's lackin in one, he don't love you.

a real man will find any way to profess, provide and protect, even if he is without the means to do it the way he thinks it should be done.

have you done your 90 day evaluation?
maybe it's time to do so...

act like a lady, think like a man.
i'm on it.


Odd. Strange. Peculiar.

So I had a very odd day the other day, and I only now am remembering to blog about it. Here goes.

The other day, I decided to have lunch with the bestie who works up the hill on campus at Rady, Jules. Before heading out to lunch with her, I tell her that I am going to grab some chips to accompany my boring sandwich - so off I go, moseying my way to the Sunshine Sotre (how ironic since their prices don't necessarily always bring sunshin into my life). As I saunter behind the Geisel building, I see JoAnn  from Facilities and I wave. What a chipper soul she is, enjoying her lunch in solitdue, and breaking silence to shout a "Hey Dess!". I wave and smile and leave her be, hoping I didn't ruin her lunch or her lovely vegetarian sandwich that she was snacking on.

I walk up the hill towards the Sunshine Store and I hear this soft and dainty voice from behind me saying, "Excuse me, hello?" and I think to myself, Turn around idiot, she's talking to you - only, I was saying that to the person I thought she was talking to (not me) only to find out, the voice crept closer to my sound perameters and became more clear - she was actually talking to me. I turn around puzzled and see this skinny asian girl, stood about 5'3, if that, terribly dyed brown hair, parted from the left side and almond shaped eyes. When our eyes meet she asks me this weirdest thing...

"Does this outfit look weird to you?" - she asked with a light asian accent. I paused in disbelief. Did this girl really have the guts to ask some random stranger about her outfit? My! The world and the confidence it dares to instill in people today, it's mind boggling! There was nothing wrong in her asking me this simple question, however, I did find it excitingly interesting that she was not confident in her outfit that she fixed up perhaps, at the break of dawn when most students wake up here on campus, BUT she was indeed confident enough to ask a total and completely random stranger! I smiled and laughed lightly inside.

After running my thoughts out of my mind to concentrate on her outfit, I scanned my eyes up and down her 5'3 stack of asian persuasian. She looked no different than the typical asian from out of the US, with a highly keen sense of asian fashion - the edgy, dangerous, potentially misconstrued by a typical American type - the if-I-were-skinny-and-had-the-money type of outfit. She wore a normal black cotton girl tee, with a red plaid skirt that feel right off of her slendor pelvic area, laying above her mid thighs, accompanied with black leggins with... wait... WHAT.IS.SHE.WEARING? Brown uggie boots?! There is no brown on her entire outfit, nor does the shade of brown (brown bear kinda brown - haha, I know, that may not help at all) even appear on any accessory that she is wearing. I literally drew my head back and thought to myself - Honey, the boots? What were you thinkin? - I'm not fashionista at all, I do try, and have many failed attempts in retrospect but, I know one thing - match the shoes with something - a bracelet, necklace, headband.. Wait! It matches! It matches her HAIR! Relief, I didn't have to be superficially judgmental anymore, I saw her intent with the brown uggies. :) Beautiful.

I looked at her and smiled - "No...? :)" Score. 
I figured she deserved it - for having courage to holler at me from behind to give her the go, for having the confidence to put the outfit on and walk out of her home, for having the audacity to match the boots with her hair. How could I refrain from empowering her to know that she made the right decision? I had to okay it, she didn't look terrible, but she didn't put together an outfit that I would have - granted in some cases, that's a good thing! In this case, and in my opinion, definitely not. LoL. 

She smiled with content and confidence, and courage and walked about her daily walk to campus, drippings with viscious ticks of fashion envy, fashion police (wannabes) and fashionistas. I felt kind of good, even though I totally didn't agree with her outfit, she didn't looke completely WEIRD, but had her own sense of style, I couldn't hate on that, could I have? :)

Random post for the day.
Yay. :)


Demetrius Samu Panapa

Demetrius is heeeeeeerrrreeee! 

My bday baby twinzie!!! Born Feb. 26th 2009, 23 years after the best cousin he'll ever have in his entire lifetime... :)

9lbs 7oz and 21inches, God's blessing, Demetrius Samu Panapa (formerly Demetrius Lefefeisefaalavelave Panapa) graced the earth at UCSD's Scripps Memorial Hospital at 8:20am, born to the Parents Saogalemu and Florine Panapa.

He's beautifully light skinned, with a mean mug, a head full of crop with big feet and big hands. I am so happy for Sao and Flo and I wish them many blessings on their newest addition to their family! :)