11.29.2009

A Thankful Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was peaceful this year. I haven't been home since about a month and a half ago, but so much changes within a small amount of time, not only do things change, lots of things happen.

The same normal routine occurred on Thanksgiving. I woke up to Mama yellin', as usual - this time her yell wasn't as loud. :) I ended up making a potato salad of which the recipe I was given by a twitter connect. LoL. How... random? Yeah. After making the salad I proceeded to the Turkey Bowl. My brothers and the rest of the local football boys were already at the field, lingering in disgusting locker room aroma on the bottom soccer field at the high school. Lani arrived and already the boys were engaged for about an hour on the field. I saw some of the girls, a class or two younger than my graduation class. I ended up choppin' it up with them for a good few before they left to commence their Thanksgivings with their own families. I saw a person of my past, that was interesting. I did ask to speak with him, but knowing that he has a significant other has kept me from my own request, thus I let it go. Didn't seem meant to be. So, I kept my distance. Afterwards the boys and I came back home, washed up and prepared for thanksgiving late lunch/early dinner.

This thanksgiving I've come to realize how funny my family is. We were crackin' jokes on eachother NON-STOP. I mean, there wasn't a single moment of silence at the table. I actually spat up my drink after my mom said something random and funny. My brothers proceeded to poke fun at her.

I've come to realize that my family is all I have. They are all I will ever have when happiness fades and when sadness enters the door. They're all I will ever need when I'm feeling completely alone. I love that they are always here for me, even without them knowing that they NEED to be here for me... sigh.

This thanksgiving was a bit hard, Gramma wasn't here, and I realize I missed thanksgiving with her last year bc I was in Italia... nothing wrong with that, but... I just realize I'm thankful for having her at Christmas time last year, and New Years this year, and for my birthday, and her birthday, and all the other holidays up until she left.

I'm humbled and blessed this thanksgiving... only God knows my heart and how broken I was all weekend bc of my situation with my love life, but even though -- I'm still thankful I have a family that is always making me smile.

Thank you, God... you always come through for me.

Time to sleep... gotta wake up and take the kiddies to school, oil change, car wash, gas up, and one last date with Del Teezy before I leave the land of Del Taco Heaven. lol

Great night world. :)

#truthis



I'm quite confused.
I can't think straight.
I want out.
I hate being here.
I wish I was in outer space.
I have to punch a wall.
I haven't cried until now.
I keep thinking back.
I love my mom & dad.
I miss my brothers.
I dont like my Gramma being in Samoa.
I found out I'm not alone.
I wont be here for long.
I swear I'm in denial.
I just want to be, successful.
I hunger for my future.
I aint finna hold back.
I gotta get thru this.
I like to cry alone.
I lowkey have a crush. 
I worry about my health.
I care too damn much.
I am too frkkn nice.


I recognized my mistakes.
I learned my lesson.


Truth is... I'm done.


Goodnight. 

11.25.2009

WTH - It's November

So, long long ago in a far away land called Barstow I do recall telling myself that I would begin blogging so as to not lose my writing skills... Hmm, lets all put our hands together for a clap off and yell a great big FAIL at Dess for not following through. Yayyy.

Truth be told, I've been blogging I just haven't been blogging on blogger. Myspace blogs are all up to date with my emotions and feelings and what not, and here I am trying to catch up. I will be trying to reconcile my myspace blogs with this blog, bc Myspace is so obsolete these days, I'm surprised I'm even trying to bring the word to life because it's definitely on it's death bed. So lots of updates, and here's goes a few just to keep the updated...

1. I'm single -- yeah yeah, shiznit happens. Here I go, lolly gaggin' a whole 2 months completely single, trying ever so passionately to move on, but I gotta be real with myself and come to realize that it's gonna take some time. Been there, done that, this one isn't as hard as my first one was, boy oh boy, but this one meant a little of a LOT more. *shrugs* Brace yourselves folks - Dess is def back on the market, but no sales price yet -- just up for the viewing.

2. I now live in my own humble abode -- with the ever so beautiful Beatrice. Yes I've been living in City High igh igh hood for almost 6 months. I love the apt, it's cute, comfy and cozy for Bea and I. A small 2 story townhouse, 2 bed 2.5 bath, granite counters, stainless steel appliances and wooden floors - it's beautiful and furnished, thanks to Wellsfargo that allowed me a loan to spend on it. :) Yup, house is lookin' good and for a long while I was obsessed with buying things for the house, I'm over it now though. :) Anyway, Bea and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE guests, all of our visitors that have come for a quick getaway want to return so I take it we're doing a really good job at being hosts. :)

3. My finances suck -- I'm still at my job, however thanks to the whack and brokearse state, the Library department on campus was cut $1million dollars from our $3million budget, so we have been forced to figure out how we are going to manipulate our budget and activities to some how to combat that $1milli that we don't have. Yes, I have volunteered as a represented union member to have my monthly salary cut, and I'm okay with it. Luckily I have parents that are stable enough to catch me when I call. :)

4. Debt aint no thang! -- So, with all of the hassle of my credit card debt racked up from undergrad I have finally been able to put it all under one complete bill after I applied for a consolidation loan and passed with flying colors. Thank you to Pops for establishing my credit early in high school and throwing me to the wolves to pay for everything on my own when I got to college. :) Life is good!

5. MY HAIR IS SHORT! -- So along the ways of creating my goals for this year, one was to cut my hair. I finally got nervy enough after my first "real breakup" with Conan to go and chop the crop in April. Dyed it and everything, the major WOW YOU CUT YOUR HAIR DESS factor. I didn't think I was going to keep up the style, it actually grew out a lot and I ended up going for another trim. After linking up with Manny Mizzle once I moved out of the Diva Palace I went in for another hair cut and color and boy have I been hooked. Typically Samoan girls like to keep their mane untouched but I have been so antsy about mine that I've cut it so much within the past couple of months that it's totaled way more than the amount of times I've cut my hair my entire life! Crazy, I know, 2009 called for change, and I embraced it well!

6. Twitter, my remedy - So yes, I've found a new social networking site and thank God it has removed my superficial instincts that have made me weary with myspace. Yes! It's the new IN thing for me, and quite frankly I enjoy it despite the fact that others may not be to tickled by it, I have a keen sense of networking on it and I just absolutely love it. Follow me @Kikkoman_Soy

I think that's all for now, I will holler laters - roger that!

Over and out.
Dess

11.20.2009

Dear Reader



My urge to pry and cry only seems to be suitable for a moment. This path I'm on, is one I have yet to travel for a long time, and though I have found myself halting often abruptly, I am always met with an induced smile from some element of a happiness I have not known for so long. Those other paths before now, I chose them, why? Maybe because I had so much in store to offer, along the road trip. Perhaps at that time I did not feel like blistering my own bare feet during travel would suffice for a mind that always thought for two. Now I find myself not welcoming any company to saunter this path into an unknown destination - not because they are simply not welcome, more so because I've traveled so long NOT being alone -- through this alone time I am learning more and more to love myself, something I haven't done in a LONG time. I have now taken the hand of the little girl that has lived within me and has been neglected for so long and have begun nurturing her for lack thereof in the past. My haiku to her...




I am sorry, 
Beyond the depths of a black hole of sorrow.
Please forgive me, I beg.




Though the path gets dusty, and I must flap away the dust myself with my small hands, I realize, my hands aren't that small, and my arms have gotten stronger at flapping it away since I've been on my own. Yes, the sun still shines treacherously onto my forehead, and though a drop of sweat rolls down my forehead, I still have my own sweat rag -- drenched not from sweat but the salty tears I have wept while on this path the first few hundred miles on my own, because unlike the way I presented it to be, it WAS and still IS a struggle, only now it has become a lighter one --  to wipe my brow before it ends up stinging my eyes.


This path isn't too bad, although it has been taking some time to adjust... but I have supporters, folks rooting me on from behind, and though my back may face many others that I can't necessarily deem "supporters" -- perhaps they are "spectators"? -- I pray and hope they will realize that I am doing this on my own, and looking forward and not back, NOT to turn my back on any of them, but to forcefully make myself accept that, what is in the past is definitely behind me - my love and care stays the same if it hasn't already grown of course... please, support me with the same love and care and allow me to venture into my future with your continual support.


Humbly yours,
Dessarina