3.27.2009

Woe is me?


For the past 5 years I have given almost everything I had away. In accumulation I've given more than just 5 years of my life away. My TIME, my love, my life, my money, my dreams, my hopes, my generosity, my kindness, my friendliness - my BEST... and my heart.

It is very sad that it has come to such an ending like this. Here I am, eager to explore another unknown world. Why is it so unknown? Because I've become so foreign to a world on my own where I care only for myself. How do I know how to care for everyone other person in the world except for myself? Why do I give my BEST to others and cannot give my best to MYSELF? This is how my insides get scarred in the hopes that the golden rule will be played. Treat others as you want to be treated right? Hmmm, that's no so much a fair trade off, because not EVERYONE plays by the rules. I mean, I always try to.

What malfunctioned in all of those years of seeing such heartbreak and happiness? Did I forget to press Record so that I could replay what TO DO and what NOT TO DO? Did I forget to Save these memories? Why am I NOW looking into my files of the past and finding out that hey... looky here Dess! All this has happened before! WOW Dess. What a magnificent discovery that you are REPLAYING history! Did you NOT take enough political strategy classes to know that you should not replay the bad parts of history?!

I am some how overcome with bitterness to do some unthinkable things, however, I am being very careful to not replay other people's history. I'm throwing in the towel on all the love crap. Okay, it's not CRAP, but that match of love and hate for rounds and rounds until no end, ding ding ding, is over. I guess I can dip in the unknown and really appreciate this time that I have to myself.

I can only give so much TIME until abuse shatters the hour glass. What do ya know, the second hour glass I sat here in stupidity watching, waiting to see time restart. Sitting, staring in anxiety as I sat at the end of the table with my head rested upon my palms on the table. Tears streaming from my eyes waiting... and waiting.

Then of course, when the glass breaks there's always a rush of SUDDEN remorse to grab the pieces that are left - wishing there was glue to put it all back together. Not this time, I'm not replaying history again.

So many mistakes. Not one regret. I can't be too upset, right? The lesson is learned for me. 2nd time around is easier, after all, what's another heartbreak to a heart that has ALREADY been broken before!?! LoL! Jeepers, I really need to write a book. So, here's to the ending of sleepless nights of broken promises, hate words, tears, reopened wounds with salt, and the like.

NO MORE.
It's ME time.