9.24.2009

WARNING: Vulgar language

DISCLAIMER: I have grown plenty from this post, and I have just NOW chose to make it public. I was very angry, this was written the evening my boyfriend and I broke up - exactly 3 months before our 3 yr anniversary.


Who likes relationships? Anyone? Not I. If I had wings I could fly, far enough to live on my own. Why? Because these days men are so annoyingly irritant and irritat-ing, and though some claim to be different, they end up being the same. Fucked up and lame, I love you is what they claim. Sorry to burst your bubble, LOVE IS AN ACTION, uh oh, who the fuck's in trouble? He is, why? Bc he claimed to love me, at the drop of my first tear, and when was this, '06 was the year. Coo'd and caressed my soul with his will to listen,yet now somehow love was lost, he couldn't take the heat, so I told him get the fuck outta the kitchen. His goldi locks he may be rippin', out of his head until he's drippin, with sadness and dispair, and what, do I look like I care? Like I could give a shit if he's in pain? 3 years I've been walkin' in the fuckin' rain, where's my umbr-ella ella ella ay, there's nothing else I can say, ay ay, ay ay. He got me fucked up! Grown ass woman 23 years of age, my own car, my own place don't turn the page (yet), 4 year degree from an elite UC, I didn't get all A's, but B's get degrees! 43g income - can  you hold my card, I got hella bills cuz these times are hard. No I don't have a big ego, nor do I care about WHAT I am, but WHO I am is different bc I've lost who I am... Look at me, strong and sophisticated by the naked eye, yet I'm dealin' with THIS silly bullshit, my dude makes me cry. Verbally abused I can't lie, I'm disrespected time after time, and though I've begged for him to tame his tongue in the presence of mine, he's stubborn and ill tempered and my request? Declined. Strong and sophisticated to the naked eye am I, why the FUCK do I deal with this bullshit? Why does he make me cry? :*( Mascara runs down my cheeks, and I cry into my sheets, because my pillows are soaked, tears from every yesterday - my heart is  broke. Where the fuck did our relationship go? We used to sing, and play and talk all day. Now we fight and cry and argue the night away, say "I love you" to break the silence yet I can't keep up, say it so we can go to bed, yeah, our relationship is fucked. His ears probably bleed from my voice so loud, but even me screaming, i'm still screaming in a crowd, why? Becuase he doesn't listen, he hears me yet doesn't heed, unlike the old him, the one I actually need. When a phone call was out of WANT and not obligation - to check in, not feeling threatened but out of consideration. It's all been hateration! My mind fucks with me, and my mouth fucks with him, I'm not gonna lie, it's my most utilized sin, I can't help it, I've been fucked in relationships before, my ex nigga left me for ass, and my nigga now's a bore! I can't settle the score! What should be my bliss? Would I have rather been cheated on, or bored to death with nothing less than, this... 

sigh.

I'm frustrated I know, yet my mind can't continue to boil every day. Sadness does not live here, yet I think I will grant it visitation rights for now. When it rains, everyone gets wet, yet this cloud only seems to hang over my head. 3 years... of waste? I have no idea, because my soul once thought he was my half. And my mind still believes love will endure, but this? Man, where the hell did shit go wrong? And why the fuck do I feel like this? Emptied. Hallowed. Stripped.

My eyes cry because my heart can only bleed. My feet walk away  because my heart refuses to leave. My lips tremble because my heart can only beat. My head shakes (in disappointment) because my heart is so damn weak.

I'm frustrated and mad. Above all else, sad. 

I don't want it anymore.



I'm done.