Nov. 20. 2009

Nothing provides evidence of growth more than a blog written a year and some change ago like this one... I absolutely LOVE myself today for keeping record of my emotions back then. God has been too good to me, life is TOO amazing right now. I am undeserving of it, but some how, I understand, that God was definitely watching over me and listening to my cries in the middle of the night. God is good. Amen. I wrote this blog Nov. 20. 09. Please read...

Dear Reader,

My urge to pry and cry only seems to be suitable for a moment. This path I'm on, is one I have yet to travel for a long time, and though I have found myself halting often abruptly, I am always met with an induced smile from some element of a happiness I have not known for so long. Those other paths before now, I chose them, why? Maybe because I had so much in store to offer, along the road trip. Perhaps at that time I did not feel like blistering my own bare feet during travel would suffice for a mind that always thought for two. Now I find myself not welcoming any company to saunter this path into an unknown destination - not because they are simply not welcome, more so because I've traveled so long NOT being alone -- through this alone time I am learning more and more to love myself, something I haven't done in a LONG time. I have now taken the hand of the little girl that has lived within me and has been neglected for so long and have begun nurturing her for lack thereof in the past. My haiku to her...

I am sorry, 
Beyond the depths of a black hole of sorrow.
Please forgive me, I beg.

Though the path gets dusty, and I must flap away the dust myself with my small hands, I realize, my hands aren't that small, and my arms have gotten stronger at flapping it away since I've been on my own. Yes, the sun still shines treacherously onto my forehead, and though a drop of sweat rolls down my forehead, I still have my own sweat rag -- drenched not from sweat but the salty tears I have wept while on this path the first few hundred miles on my own, because unlike the way I presented it to be, it WAS and still IS a struggle, only now it has become a lighter one --  to wipe my brow before it ends up stinging my eyes.

This path isn't too bad, although it has been taking some time to adjust... but I have supporters, folks rooting me on from behind, and though my back may face many others that I can't necessarily deem "supporters" -- perhaps they are "spectators"? -- I pray and hope they will realize that I am doing this on my own, and looking forward and not back, NOT to turn my back on any of them, but to forcefully make myself accept that, what is in the past is definitely behind me - my love and care stays the same if it hasn't already grown of course... please, support me with the same love and care and allow me to venture into my future with your continual support.

Humbly yours,


EJECT - (Original)

I've been trying to get this original on youtube for a LONG LONG LONGGGGGG time...

Finally, I bit the bullet, of course after 8 million tries!!! Finally fed up with take after take, I decided to just post this lol :)


A year ago today

I woke up that morning thinking... wow... a year ago today I woke up in this exact location, staring out at the bay


____ season is in progress...

And so it begins... ;)


The Power of a Woman...

In the mist of the pouring rain

All molecular misfits of the atmosphere are purified
Like all the hurt and pains of life strains
Are removed from the body of a beautiful woman
Through every tear held back that she don’t cry

Your eyes like heaven’s windowpane
With the strength of an athlete
With a touch so gently
Brought mighty mighty Hercules to his knees

God told Adams no
Eve made him say; yes, yes
Her smell so sweet
Her body waves so unique
Makes a man complete
Surely I’ll eat for just one more taste of your nectar


Goal Check

1. Schedule eye exam appt for new glasses (since mom semi-broke my last ones) <-- CHECK!
2. Schedule dental appt <-- CHECK!!!
3. Schedule check up <-- CHECK!!!
4. Visit with Counselor or Psych dept on campus <-- NAW
5. Take courses through online enrollment to enrich writing <-- STILL NO
6. 30lbs by end of March <--- FAIL
7. Coordinate 1 on 1 with Bonnie and recruiter<-- FAIL
8. Seek another job with civil services, developmental position with counseling <-- NOT QUITE
9. Refine search for graduate school with counseling <-- YUP!
10. Join Vavi league for kickball and softball <-- JOINED RUGBY INSTEAD
12. Memorize the book of James <-- FORGOT ABOUT THIS ONE :(
13. Enroll in counseling classes at JC (online if possible) <-- PSYCH 101
14. Trip to Kentucky to visit Rox <-- YAY!
15. Donate clothes to charity <-- STILL TIME!
16. Youtube a new original song (dammit, I'm tired of the bookie boo request lolol, ok jk, but not, but yeah, ) but not, okay i'm done) <--- REWIIIIND
17. Gym pass at 24 hr fitness <-- FOR THE WIN!
18. Cut up credit cards -- STOP RACKIN' UP DEBT! smh <--- YUP, YUP, YUUUUP
19. Get new tires for the car <-- NEXT MONTH
20. Get car tuned up <--- SOON?!
21. Make trip to the Bay for leisure <-- NOVEMBER
22. Try a new restaurant - Jamaican <-- ONAMIS instead
23. Vegas for Rugby 7s and birthday February <-- hoooyeesssss
24. Tune up resume by end of January to seek new job. <-- not quite
25. Fast every 1st week of the month <-- nope
26. TITHE. ALWAYS. Even if it's not 10%. TITHE. The church needs every finance - A NEW BUILDING IS IN PROGRESS! God makes all things possible <-- not completely every month
27. Finish New Moon <-- hahaha sooo suck
28. Put Taxes towards debt. TITHE 10% <-- yes.
29. Visit Samoa for a week <-- :(
30. New dish for Thanksgiving Meal <-- maybe mashed potatoes?
31. Every1 a gift <-- thinkin about it!
32. Budget $100 per week for meals <-- getting better
33. SAVE $100 a month <-- faaaaail
34. Join Bible Study at the Rock <-- fail
35. Sign up for Rec Classes at 24Hr or Grossmont <-- NOT WITH MY GYM PASS :) 
36. Home once every other month <-- MORE OR LESS
39. Nose pierced? Mmm, I'll think about it <-- STRAIGHTTT
40. Beginners piano to learn piano by ear <-- still no :(
41. New uke chords! :) <-- yessss! Halo, Dear Life, 



*Blows whistle* BRRRRRRRRRBBBBBB!!!! Diva on the field!

So, not too long ago I decided that I'd get into the gym and start working out. After only losing a good 10lbs I realized that my own motivation sometimes isn't motivation enough. After a while, I started working out with a workout buddy, she kept me motivated, but what happens, when even she loses motivation? I did also. Upon trying to figure out how I am going to lose 30lbs by October (this was in January) I decided maybe I should take up a sport, but what sport? Ugh, I haven't played an organized sport in almost a decade!

One day I was on Facebook (as if that doesn't happen EVERY day) and I read my girlfriend's status update that she would be trying something new... RUGBY! My eyes grew wide, what the hell? Nini doing rugby?! With TALO?! The heavens opened, and doves began to fly around, singing in unison with heaven's angels. YAY!!!! "I wanna come too!!!!" I commented, and the rest is history!

I attended a few practice during the spring season which is considered the off season. Basically, this is the time where new people come out to try out the sport and figure out if they like it or not and continue attending practice. After the first rugby practicing practically kicking me in the arse of unbelieveablity, I decided, hey, I'm gonna go all the way. The girls and I made slow adjustments, attending practices, wearing shorter shorts, then long socks, then purchasing cleats and spandex <-- LOL.

Finally, after a 3rd week of practice, Talo and I attended our first rugby match in Vegas... boy that was fun haha.  Although I pretty much died half way, it was pretty fun and interesting, not that the official hand pointed me out as the rookie on the field, GAH!!!! LOL

Anyhow, venturing off  into the new field abyss of rugby has definitely kept me on my toes. As stated before, it's been quite a while since I've been involved in an organized sport like so. I did kickball last year, that was super fun, but even now, rugby is so much more intense.

I feel myself growing more and more. I know I'm only a rookie, but my competitiveness is growing from within, and before I knew it, I'm emailing the team for fitness workouts because I am DYYYYING in rugby. Well, not really dying, but I want to be as fit as the other girls. Right now, Coach has me in the front row of the scrum, but I want to be a runner really... I know I don't run now as it is, but I want that to change, so I am def going to try and improve that part of my game. I know it's good to hit hard, but I want to be FASSSST! Like the speed of light (LOL).

I've been doing a lot better in tackling. There are 2 vets that are the biggest girls on the team, and last night I was paired up to tackle both of them. At first I was afraid... I was petrified, to think that I could ... ERRR... sorry got carried away there LOL. But at first I was definitely intimidated, but I want to challenge myself with them with every practice, if they're the biggest girls on the team, chances are, going head up with them, will make everything easier later, when in the game.

At first I thought that I only wanted to train and do fitness with the rugby team, but after each practice, I feel like I'm improving thus generating juice to want to actually play. I dunno, we'll definitely see :)

Signing off. Rajah that!


Gallaghers w/the Girls

So, to get rif of the jitter bugs I decide to take pics on my ever so lovely blackberry :) had a greeeeat show tonight!


Wear white... to a wedding

So, I am attending a wedding on August 21st, of which we MUST wear an all white attire....

Strange? Odd? Peculiar? I thought the same thing, I'd never wear white to a wedding, it's absolutely absurd to me, but as my follower said, "to each its own". Now that I have been commanded to wear white to this wedding (thank God I'm tan year-round) I am forced to find a dress that not only accentuate my skin tone slightly, but also keeps me looking thin (which is virtually impossible because we all know black slims and white... does not slim smh). 

I'm still wondering what type of dress I will be wearing, but SHOES? OMG, I bout died when I saw this... my desk has a puddle of drool on it. 


Domesticated Diva

A diva should always know how to master domestication in the kitchen ;) Fresh stir fry with tofu. Uber yumdumdelicious!



I'm beginning to sleep in the center of my bed... As opposed to always sleeping on the left side only.
This is important to know because that means I'm closing off my life to someone who could potentially take up the right side of my bed. Suddenly the center of the bed feels comfortable to me.
Sigh. Well?... Well.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T


Diva at the Beach

I don't swim when I go to the beach. Most of my time is spent on a blanket, enjoying the breeze, playing my ukulele, and making every attempt to keep the sun out of my eyes with a cheap pair of sunglasses I bought in Hawaii and a very SNAZZY (if I do say so myself) fedora hat I purchased from The Closet ;)

I've had that cheetah blanket for years, since '04, my freshmen year in college. Mimi called me a Diva as I fola'd my  blanket out... I could only sit and laugh, and take a quick pic hehe. Say HAYYYY!


Something old...

Deep into my mind I wrestle, like Jacob and God  on the platform of rich soil  at night - I fight - I am she and it's She versus Her. She can speak volumes that reaches God's front porch, mocked and scorned by a spectator that with his gavel has already adjourned on the preconceived notion that She is... "different".
People see me and think SHE. She is different. She, talks “white”…  sounds nerdy and smells weird, and is sometimes odd and particular with what she says. She, is “tainted”… kissed and smothered by the sun’s rays, scorched lands of the Sahara desert would seem fitting for her origin. She, is lacking - in athletic talents that have been strongly exemplified through all 3 of her brothers, the apple does not fall too far from the tree, yet She was thrown to the waste side. She is of an unknown aesthetic make up, uncommonly identified by naive minds who are without knowledge of her kind. Are you mixed, with black? They commonly ask. She thanks them for the compliment, but no, she is not Black, Puerto Rican, Indian, Mexican, Pnay or any of the above.  She is Samoan - or is she not?
She is cut and bleeds red and white stripes, navy blue and white stars - and only the tail feathers of a bald eagle. Though she has the blood of her ancestors that reigned the Navigation Islands she is bred AMERICAN SAMOAN and is plagued with the disease of being, plastic - and because of this, she fights. She did not choose to be conceived in the mainland, yet she is grateful for parents that sought the American Dream . This double edged sword of raising children in the mainland results in a child with better opportunity, yet lacking so much in enrichment in their true culture.  She doesn’t fully understand the fa’alavelave. Perplexed in the mind, she questions the exchange of monetary gifts she helped present. She cannot sulu an i’e. Fe’aus await her hands for service yet they are too busy trying to keep her lavalava from falling.  She cannot read the Tusi Paia without a snicker or snare and I'm not talking candy and drums. Trembling lips fail to pronounce the long "A" on tam'a - she turned Father into a boy - and she is pierced with the glare of an elder woman that questions, "You don't know Samoan?". The language of her ancestors. She hangs her head low and she replies with a faint "no".
She vs HER.
She wishes she were Her, the Teine Samoa who was raised with the birthright of her sisters bred from the fresh soils of an island paradise. Her who is able to carry the si'i and bow at the right time and angle to present a love offering to God's chosen messenger. Her who can grace the stage with an awe-struck presence of purity and beauty to represent her aiga with the headpiece of a princess and the title, Taupou. Her who can communicate with without tugging on her mother's i'e for a translation. She struggles to be her. 
I am She, and She is me, but I so long to be Her.
 I've wished on every star in the sky to be pleasantly presented in the eyes of my people, yet my lack of confidence and eagerness to portray only finds me disappointed and flustered with the outcome. I'm not without knowledge of my kind, I'm just born into the new age generation of being American Samoan. I am not as strong physically as the teines and tamas that labor in the simplicity of life of the cultivated fields in Samoa. Yet I am strong mentally like those that refused to labor at the commands of the Germans during the colonization of Samoa. I am not talented with the athleticism to carry a winning team to the 'ship of a volleyball match or a football game. Yet, I have sophisticated my talent to write that can carry minds far beyond the courts of our Maker. I realize that, as She fights to be her, I bruise the essence of one… and that is Me.


June already?

Gosh diggity dizzam damn time flies by so quickly! I swear it was February and I was partying all month because of my birthday hoooorayyy.

Let's see, updates? Lets proceed...

As of late I've been craving to back to school. Apparently I'm still in student-mode as I type random information about my life at 2:46am in the morning like I don't have work to be at by 9:30am tomorrow morning. I'm still thinking and pondering on this Marriage and Family Therapy program that I've weeded out and have found that I have a passion for. I really want to get into Azusa Pacific, however, I made a bad impression on my close connect when I completely FORGOT about my meeting with her. Bleh, I feel bad but unfortunately the visit wouldn't have really done anything for me at the time being, I was still missing 2 pre-reqs and was in the middle of a semester so I would have had to hold off on applying anyway. Any information she gave me could have been easily obtained via the APU website. I'll just leave that in God's hands. I signed up for the class at San Diego City College - and wtheeze man, #18 on the wait list?!  You gotttta be kiddin me! Seriously? Bleh, just a minor stumbling block, so I've been waiting patiently to be bumped up on the priority list for Psych 101. I'm really anxious and excited to take the class. I haven't been in school since June of '08 which officially marks 2 years this month... MUST. LEARN. NOWWW.

Family life is going well. I've finally dropped some lbs thank the GOOD LORD, MIRACLES DO HAPPEN! I got hooked up via Del for a family/friend membership at 24 hour fitness and I've been attending classes regularly for a good 2 hrs for a good 3 weeks now :D I'm now in the habit of working out. Shoutout to my sister Ritha for being so kind as to accompany me on all my workouts. She actually keeps me accountable bc when I ask her she's always down to go. I kinda am the juice, she's the wheels. We're a great team and we're dying to looks crazy, sexy, cool by the end of the year so this work out will in due time pay off :D gotta endure for now, delayed gratification is better than instant satisfaction yezzir!

Oh by the way I picked up a new sport - haha yeeeeah, rugbyyyy! Lets just say the sport is as intense as the rugby players make it, only they're a lot more fit than I am so it's like super hard time ten thousand for me. The training is intensive and I LOVE IT! I push myself a little more each time just to get better. We've been off since the end of April and here I am, in June -- it starts back up! But I won't be able to attend practice for a couple of weeks why?... well my next paragraph... :D

I'm going to hawaiiiiiii on thursday! YEZZIR! This is an exciting adventure that I am so anxiously hoping to embark on! I haven't been to Hawaii since I was four, and that was definitely 20 years ago LOL! I'm so juiced, I'll be there from the 10th to the 21st. :) I'll be staying with my cousin ShawnDelle and her husband and 2 sons for a week. My  brother's and I bought Pops a ticket to fly out on the 17th for his birthday/father's day gift so I'll be staying with him and Mama (cuz she flies out that day or on Friday) as well and will be under the care of my parental units - hoooyesss!) So excited, I've already started packing. :D

Well, that's all the updates I have as of now. It is now 3am and I shall not bring this blog to a close.

Goodnight bloggsters. :D


He loves me...

Even when I fall beneath his will... he loves me.

When my broken heart just wont keep still... he loves me.

Even though he knew sometimes I fall, yet and still my name He called, he loves me...

Jesus, I'm so grateful for your love.

His love is what I need more than any "he" I've ever known. Getting my head on right. Making sure that I'm not biting the bait, no matter how delicious and tempting it looks... don't bite, Dess.

I had a great day today. Repair man fixed my bed. I had sushi with Talo and Bea. Bookstore craze got me to pick up two books. Intimate Conversation is my first devotional book I decided to begin. God is with me, always, and I need to be aware of that. 

Time for bed. Adieu world.

I am a diamond

***Soooo, I wrote this years ago during my anti-boy phase after a tragic breakup between my 1st boyfriend and I. It's funny how I look back to this and think to myself, REALLY Dess? You were so vain, ugh. I almost up-chucked a few times, reading this, bc I feel quite embarrassed that I even wrote such things. Parts were borrowed from a random female's myspace page... oh, that would explain why I'm so embarrassed... myspace. LOL. Anyhow, enjoy this for what it's worth, parts of it speak truths... :) 

I am a diamond

NEVER to be played with by anyone. Fragile yet complex, take a look... just by the glance you'll know that I'm ...the rare jewel... authentic, divine and priceless in value. DIAMOND's are keepers, my ate once said.

I am a diamond

 - a sharp, sensitive, out-standing, loveable, nurtured, open-minded young woman. I have goals, I am driven and I have God in my life. My mother tells me I have to be a strong woman... and she's right. diamonds are strong... they were naturally made strong and tough. and thus. so was I - strong at heart because ::God made me to be victorious and so long as I believe in him, I will NOT be defeated:: A diamond made strong only by the God she serves. Diamonds emit light when struck from the sun's rays -- that's why they shine so bright. I emit light to my peers, with my joyful sense of humor and my bright outlook on life... just like a diamond...

I am a diamond

Although there are plenty more reasons more to stress and emphasize -- but the most important is this... authentic and precious as they are, diamonds are hard to find... and I will tell you the same. A young diamond like me... is hard to find. I'm part of a dying breed: ambitious, confident, educated, spiritual and respectful... legs closed, mind opened, walk worth seein', words worth hearin'... brace yourself if you ever get the opportunity to chop it up with me. I got an earful of words to share -- elaboration and articulation is my game... my Daddy taught me that.

I am a diamond

A diamond represented as a beautiful, rare, strong and pure individual who is, just as a diamond -- UNBREAKABLE. Agree or disagree if you may, trash or support the words that I say, regardless of any of it... it will still stand that... a young woman like me is hard to find... you sit there and ask...


and i reply...

Because they just don't make 'em like me anymore.



Written 12.8.06 - Untitled and unfinished

Ripped by lies, I fantasized, a heart beating soul, with a no pressure to go with a flow that was kept in my mind, yet I lost it… and hard was it to find… Broken by words that cursed the very tone deaf nerves, harbored slightly in my ear, until it appeared to have been ever-present to my eyes… I just… didn’t recognize… Stomped on by what I justified as tough love, a swirling ‘feeling’ that was supposed to have been sent from above, but for a whuuuut? A fleeting form of bliss something that was love? Smacked in the face with negativity, an unwritten rule of ‘constructive’ activity, that seemed to have plummeted my blood pumping heart with red, but instead… my heart laid on the floor dead. Ran over by the wheels of impatience, faintly heard in the distance, my cry weakened as you did this, and my voice I turned in to the

Written 4.4.07 - Untitled

*** I wrote this piece 4/4/2007, after reading over it again, I decided to share it in my blog. I don't think I let anyone read this... and now you can say that you are one of the firsts. Enjoy. *** I sit back and sat as the sand ran down, the everlasting impression of time, an hour glass, where the sand fell so fast, not to even notice the shine of the glass, glares reflectant from the sun that rose this morning, as the shades of the warm illuminating sun fell on the dawn of day, the creatures that lay, beneath comforters and throws of cotton sorts, laced with pretty fly bows, blocking the air from the cool flow, of breeze that seeps through the window, and sows, at my feet, a tickley feeling waking me up to see, a new morning. last night's mist seemed to have drenched me, as i slept, cuz i woke up and and my head full of sweat, the beat of my heart still races, from the dream that held faces, of the past present and future stages, of life ever yet to come through the phases, another day, another phase what more can a young weakened-yet-i'm-trying-my-best-to-be-who-i've-been-so-i-can-stay-true-to-myself female say, when the day, begins with the stench from yesterday, nonetheless another play, in her memory book to try and reduce the days drama to none, yet the cycle of everlasting i-have-to-do-this-i-have-to-do-that's never seize to have begun, and in a one, word phrase to climb and achieve what seems to be pullin asunder, the very pieces of my being and sanity under, the roots of my foundation – my goods dispersed for the plunder, I pick up the fragile pieces of me, grabbing for the very on embodiment of my being, I strive adamantly for the time with my sis-ters of accountability to feed me word because it says that where there are two or three there you are in the midst of thee, forsake me not, I did not plot, for my life to play the way that it did, with the scorned favor of an unmatched friend, a lifestyle of all I had known to come to an end, only to find the appearance of a new and harmonious one to begin, my life is still in sin, can anyone else compare? He without sin cast your first stone over there. Dare not assemble a weapon against me, none shall prosper with the protection of an army of three – trinity. The stares that look upon me and my life, whether they see the strife, the use of a verbal sword and knife, that still cuts deep into me, from the hollowed out heart that came to be, they still will not seize to think the worst of me, yet I could care less of what is seen, of what is spoken, of what is said, none of it will matter much after I am laid dead, enemy to none I assume they could care, less about a young female presented rare, amongst the vicious cycle and breed of ticks, sucking the littlest bit of representation that we have, to stand as minorities in a world of hav-oc, oppressor and stress-ers, come quickly laid with pressure, to answer the question, where do I stand? On the other side of the white line, where I stand few but proud to be part of the ‘other’ kind, that stands strong, proud and free of the stereotype, female minority I am and can be, without a societal heavy laiden reputation to be a nobody. Sand still runs down the glass, time still to pass, a movement needed to bring my sisters up… with the help of God, we stand ready for the fill of OUR cup.



Your mouth gushes with the bitter taste of hypocrisy... laced in the prettiest of bows, disguised with with brightest of colors, and sweetened with way too much Splenda. The world can suck the seemingly supple juice that drips from your fruit, but that's a fruit I have never bitten before, nor will I ever bite it in the future. A complete standing ovation, an Oscar is much deserving of this performance. Take a bow, oh awesome one, you have won the masses.



I need to delete the past 3 years of love songs completely from my memory box...

anyone have any suggestions?

Oh, I know!

Get over it.

Adieu world.


Lessons of the healing woman 5

LESSON #3 OF THE HEALING WOMAN (and MAN) >> Ladies and Gents -- The right person at the wrong time is STILL the wrong person.... Be patient, if it's meant to be, it will be, aint no fightin' fate!

Lessons of the healing woman 4

Dipped into the Word this morn Joshua 21-22 -- God delivers on his promises (if u obey). LESSON #2 OF THE HEALING WOMAN - Theres only 1 man that will never fail u in his promise. Who? God. This means u sld not feel pain when any1 in ur life fails to fulfill their promise to u, they are expected to do so (bc theyre human). On that note, promises shldn't be made, we all shld be men & women of our word. Blessings folks.

Lessons of the healing woman 3

LESSON #1a OF THE HEALING WOMAN - NEVER -- NEVER EVER -- forget your value and worth. If you don't know your worth, let this help you figure it out - you are carefully crafted by the hands of God, worth more than precious rubies and gold. If 1 man does NOT treat you like so, trust and believe, there is another 1 MORE than willing.

Lessons of the healing woman 2

Ahhh patience is the companion of wisdom! LESSON #2 OF THE HEALING WOMAN - A woman should never force fate. Patience allows her to grow faithfully and gracefully, gaining wisdom and insight of what is to come, in timing that is not hers, but His. YAWWWWP!

Lessons of the healing woman 1

A good friend told me u dont heal over night, take it as a lesson learned and a point earned -- LESSON #1 OF THE HEALING WOMAN - A woman shld never regret a decision made to better her situation, no matter how much her feelings tell her otherwise after the decision has been made. Feelings come and go. Be firm & confident, everything happens for a reason (thx Doris Tulifau inspiring me with "lessons" lol)

we will visit this at a later date for my explanation... :)

3/14 -- Often times as women we find ourselves at a crossroad where we have to make a decision that will completely change our lives one way or another. Often times, these decisions are ones that we find hard to make because they are at times emotionally driven. One decision I particularly made recently (or well a good 6 months ago) was to finally break things off with  my significant other. I'll never forget the day I made that choice to finally call things quits. Granted, I myself am a fighter and often do not often quit easily on anything, and on that note, I will profess that this was one thing I did not quit easily on. 3 yrs of heaven and hell... could I really ask for anything more? lol

This is the longest I've ever been single in a while, 6 years to be exact... and I've only been single for 6 months. LOL Yeah, DEF a learning experience. Anyhow, being single has it's pros and cons, and one of the cons is having way too much time to think about way too much. LOL without the constant texting, constant arguments, constant I LOVE YOUs there is often plenty of time to sit and ponder, reflect, retrospectively. I find myself doing that a lot, I'll  begin thinking about my past with him, the good times... oh the good times. Sometimes I think of it so much I begin to wonder why I even let him go... BUT, that is where I stop myself in my tracks and say to myself "Dess, be strong, you did the right thing."

I don't know what would have come if I had stayed, but I do know that a lesson wouldn't have been learned had I continued being with him -- for him and of course for myself. It's never easy letting go of someone you grew to love, and love to me is still mysterious and dangerous... delightful and fulfilling... all the above. Fact is, no matter how much I think today, yesterday or any day after the day I made that decision to break it off, I need to be firm in my decision. Feelings do come and go, he actually taught me that... a life lesson I will take everywhere I go. My feelings fluctuate, one day I miss him, the next I hate him... hate is such a strong word, but feelings are even stronger, let not words underestimate (or overestimate for this matter) the power of feelings. 

Anyhow, I find that I am rambling rambunctiously so I think I will quit now. :)



I hate you.

I hate you,  because even though it's been 5 months since I left you I can't get you out of my thoughts. Yes, I tried over and over to tell myself that I am over the fact that we are done, but I guess I'm not. And even though I left you, you never left, my mind. See, although I left you, I didn't have to, but I wanted to, I needed to, and that's a tough decision to make because I loved you, and we all know love is blind, mistakes what is yours that used to be mine, my heart.... My heart used to be mine, but I've been so jacked up and fxcked up with you that it, I no longer can find. Plucked it out of my flesh pumping chest to hand to you, I GAVE it to you to keep, to hold, a precious diamond I used to fxckin be, remember?! I used to BE a diamond... yet I gave myself away yet again to the hands of a boy that carelessly dropped me into the dirt, hurt, and cold, I'm no longer a precious luxury of natures beauty, my smile doesn't shine as bright as the sun used to gleam, it doesn't shine and glisten like the crescent moons reflection in the streams of tears of joy I used to cry, it doesn't shine like it used to... and though I sit here and gas myself up, my inner being rumbles and fights against my soul because I MUST move on for the life of me, yet my flesh wants to stay and cry a while. How can my soul be 10 days ahead of my flesh, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak, Lord save me from myself there's so much to speak yet my hand covers my mouth to protect you, why? Why protect, YOU? You don't deserve the life of me from what happened those 2 days of my 3 years with you, but I'd still give it to you. Why? I don't fxckin know, and for that reason... I hate you.



So, lately I've been waking up very thankful. Not that I'm not thankful 100% of the time anyway, but just recently I started thinking about my life and all that encompasses it.

You see a year ago today, I'm almost positively sure that I wasn't in the position I am now. Granted, last year I was still on my own, still working full time, still completely clueless of what the future holds, today I have a whole year behind me that has added to my reason for living.

I woke up one morning, took a shower, and sat down in front of my mirror to begin applying face moisturizer. Upon moisturizing my face, I began to think, wow, am I really living on my own? I don't hear my mom yelling, my dad laughing, my brothers rustling back and forth in the hall way to get their clothes ironed, or begging me to iron their clothes, cuz for some God-forsaken reason they refuse to slide an iron on their pants, they need a female (my mother or myself) to do it. None of that occurs, I wake up, in a home that looks like how I left it last night, tidy and clean, or completely terrorized by Hurricane Dessarina. As I continued to get ready to hit the road, I grabbed my keys and thought to myself, wow, look at this, keys to my home, my car, and the back door at work. Hopped in the car and drove down the street just amazed at beautiful San Diego weather, it was lovely. Fresh dew glistening on the grass of the lawns I passed, the sun bouncing off of my side mirror in the car as I was rested at a red light. Man, I live in San Diego! And where am I going? To work... where? At UCSD. This cannot be possible? Or could it...

6 years ago, I didn't imagine my life like this. My only goal was to graduate college, and upon graduating college I thought to myself, wow Dess, you are on top of the world, you achieved your goal. Yet, even in graduating college, I wasn't content... why? I didn't know... for a long time I didnt know, and it took me 2 more years to actually realize what was to become of myself. I hit a latent stage in life, why? Well, *ahem* after 17years straight of being educated, some people (like myself) need a break! LOL Yup, as of June 22, 2008 it was a wrap for me, I put the books down and picked up the dancing shoes! ;) Call me a late bloomer, but I think plenty had their fair share of fun during their college and high school days. As for me, I was just not interested so much, for what reason? I'm not sure, but regardless of the reason, I know that it was all worth the wait. :) Anyhow, back to the whole achieving my goal... for a long time I felt like I didn't dream big enough when I was younger. How could a college degree really be my only goal? What about a job? Pssht, that wasn't even in my mind until my senior year, I was debating crazily before senior year if I would enter the work force or continue with school, and I'm glad I went straight to work. :)

Anyhow, this is all just gibberish I just wanted to write out my thoughts, nothing super detailed or thought provoking, just getting things off my chest as I find myself again looking at the mirror applying mascara thinking to myself, wow, I totally bought this mascara 3 weeks ago with my own money. Like wth, Mama told me one day I'd be on my own, but I never imagined it like this. With that said, I'm thankful that she still continues to push me towards goals to better myself. You the best Mama! ;) Raaaandom.

Mmkay, I'm done for the day. LMBO.

Cheers! Over and out.


Losing someone

Today, my Aunt lost her husband.

Momz called me and let me know that Aunty Ita's husband, Uncle Nifai, passed away as of this morning. As she tried to laugh under her breath in speaking to me, as she usually does to cover her pain, I could hear the weakness in her voice, as it trembled in telling me that she would be attending the funeral - "I have to go." I feel Mom's pain the way she felt Aunty Ita's pain. No, we cannot necessarily empathize with her - my aunty, my mother's sister - but we definitely feel the pain from her voice. My heart deeply aches for her behind the smile and the jokes I've been cracking all day.

People die daily, I know, but today I realized something. I've lost Gramma Superwoman, I've lost aunts and uncles, cousins... losing someone of blood relation to you is definitely heartbreaking... I wouldn't want to experience losing any family member dear and true to my heart, because I've felt the pain before, and it's not pleasant...

But just think... just imagine... to lose the love of your life, to lose the person you are bound to entirely by some element of the universe unrecognizable by the naked eye just completely leaves me at a loss for words. I think about it all the time... how can you care for someone so much? Someone that has no relation to you - a complete stranger in this universe until you connect with them, deeply, connect to their soul, to their inner self, to their being, their existence... and then one day, they just aren't here anymore... that pain felt, that anguish and inner struggle to move on or to stay faithful and true to the love of your life, I would never wish that pain on anyone. What type of pain is that? To have a void that will leave you completely empty of your soulmate's touch, their breath, their hug, their voice...

As I type in tears my heart goes out to my aunty. Although I have no significant other as of now to even feel remotely close to the pain that she does *ahem* lol, I can't imagine it'd be anything too far from brokenness... helplessness... emptiness... *sigh*

I love you, Aunty, and I am praying for your healing... because I would never wish that pain on anyone in this world - but know one day, if the Lord wills it, it just may come for me also, and I will want my nieces to pray for MY healing.

I love you. Be strong.

**If you were tagged, it was simply because I wanted to share this with you. I'm fine, really I am, I'm emotionally stable about all of this, I just wanted to bring this up because maybe you never thought about it before, maybe you feel the same, maybe you don't care, lol. :) Anyhow, no responses needed, I simply wanted to share. God bless you, and thank you for reading.


So, this is what I realized

This whole single ride has been joyful :)

Why? Why am I now embracing life the way that I do without a companion, or a significant other. I came to the realization last night.

Typically I don't talk on the phone... that's a whole 'notha blog honey, we shall revisit it at a latter time. So yeah, I don't do phone conversations, but last night I was on the phone with a guy, and I realized why I don't want to be in a relationship, right now.

Feelings --> sad, mad, confused, uncertain, anything that does not lead to HAPPY.

So, we're talking on the phone, and as usual, I'm not used to being on the phone so I'm falling asleep - oh sue me, it was damn near 3am lol. Strike 1, I suck, I know, but I could still hear what he's saying, just in my semi-dreams. Upon him realizing that I wasn't responding to him asking me questions or just not responding to anything at all he kinda, he sings a song, and I can hear him very faintly, am able to make out some of the words, but he's singing so beautifully that I don't want to interrupt and tell him to sing louder so I can hear, so I just try and make out what he's saying... lol. Failed attempt, Strike 2 Dess, no balls. SMH. So after telling him that I couldn't hear him, lightweight yells at me and asks me why I didn't say anything, the point was to hear his lyrics. I'm sorry! smh, I just didn't want to interrupt, and, it's not like I couldn't completely hear him. Then he refrains from engaging in conversation, I'm completely awake now, bc I don't want to upset him, I care for the dude. Anyhow, conversation goes sour and I find myself trying to get him to speak, he doesn't budge much, so we end the conversation sour.

I go to bed thinking, hmmm, was he really upset? Is he playing mind games with me? Am I taking this too seriously? Why is he so upset, blah blah blah blah blahhhh.

After all these question race in my head I think to myself... wtf is wrong with me? Why am I sweating the situation? BULLshiet.


Then, the light shines through, the have opened, and the angels are singing -- ahhh Dess, this is why you don't like talking on the phone, this is why you don't want to have feelings of any kind, friendly or intimate, with any other dude, this is why, you are happy that you are single and without the hassle of being connected to someone else's feelings... BEACAUSE YOU HATE THIS BULLSHIET DRAMA!

It's quite needless if you ask me, and yeah I may be a seemingly bitter wench at the moment, but I truly am fed up with the drama that comes with relationships... for now anyway. I'm not ruling a significant other out of my life, definitely not, but for now... I'm going to set my mind at ease about being the caring girlfriend Dessarina that I am when I'm IN a relationship because the last 2 played me on that quality.

I just had to vent. I'm done. I'm happy :)




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what was the most embarassing moment of your life?

HS - welcome back assembly skit - my bestie and i were moshing on the stage, ran into each other and i somehow bounced off her, flipped and ended face down on the stage. this was in front of the ENTIRE student body. i was mortified. lol

Ask me something... anything ;-)


2009 at a glance

So, last year I did this, and of course I want to keep up with the tradition and do so again. Every year I anticipate a great year. I embrace the past and look forward to the future with a positive attitude. 2009 met me with a few ups and downs, despite all that I'm super thankful that God saw me to 2010. It is so very true, if He brings you to it, He'll get you through it. 2009 was up and down and though sometimes in my heart I still feel like I haven't been back up, I'm humbled and blessed to have been where I've been and I'm so thankful for the strength that I've gained, the courage I've grown within me, and yeah blah lets start the recap. lol

- Vegas with the brothers to celebrate Chris's bday - FUN
- Attended REC classes regularly after finding out I'm a whopping 210+ lbs - good LORD Dess, you lard lol
- Regaining confidence within myself to get control of my life
- Sao and Flo's wedding and small reception/baby shower for Baby Dee - all the family came from Hawai'i, had suuuper fun!
- Met my nephew baby Skeevee! :)
- Found out Clay and Nani were pregnant - broke my heart, and I did become angry with my cousin... angry because I was hurt, hurt because I believed in Clay to take another route... bleh
- Arizona for Conan's birthday

- Portugalia with the ladies!!! Finally hangin' with the polys in town, since I now have time to hang. LOL
- Got to know Talo, Bea and Adeile better through extensive slumber parties time after time
- Rugby 7s!!! Met the polys from Japan's team, Kontiki concert, Janies - haha, fob centrallll!
- Chronic Cantina with the Sevens rep'd by PIMG - lovely experience, shoutout to all the IE folks we met that day.
- Reunion with Kendra at the Diva Palace in La Jolla :)
- Broke up with Conan - bleh
- Met with news about new owners over our place - scrounged to find a new place -- ended up finding out we had a new buyer that didn't plan to move us out and wanted to keep us there - YAY, no need to move out
- BDAY BASHHHH - Thursday Sky Lounge, Friday Club SIN, Saturday Moondoggies: SHOUTOUT TO ADEILE for sharin' my bday memories.
- DEMETRIUS IS BORN!!! On the same day as me :-D
- Got back with Conan again. yayyy. bleh

- Gramma's bday (I LOVE YOU GRAMMA DIVA!)
- Sam & Lisi's wedding! Fun with Vaiolo's for that weekend.
- Vegas for Clayton and Nani's wedding - reception at Milanos - mmm yummy :)
- Jules Bday celebartion
- Rox comes to visit - San Diego with Ate, Cole, Julia, Amanda
- Tattoos with Ate and Amanda - wait, i didn't get one though lol
- Broke up with Conan for GOOD!!!! (or so I thought)

- Azusa with Nise, Celle and Anah for some therapeutic relief from the break up - ugh
- Lost my camera at the telly :*( - I hate you Radisson Maintenance crew!!!
- Easter with the family - blessed
- Back to AZUSA to cut my hurr! :) Exciting
- Met with Tagi, AlexTui, Tino and Shack while in Azusa that wkend. :)
- Back talkin' to Conan - smh can't help that I love the dude.

- Sneha's wedding - first Indian wedding I've ever been to - crrrrrrazy extravagant
- Met Aima for the first time - a beauty
- Trip to LA for Joose's 21st bday party
- Cookie Factory visit for the first time - delishhh!
- Working things out with Conan and gettin' stronger

- Dre gets back from Indonesia!!! Reunion with the SOC kids :)
- Ladies night out with the Yes Group :)
- Reunion with the A.Group since Dre's been back, and Rox has become an officer
- Attended Roxy's graduation to the Police Force for Pasadena PD - proud of you sister. To the maxx!
- Gramma's announcement to move back to the motherland - broke my heart again. sigh.
- Finally made it to the San Diego fair! Went with Meron and had fried snickers, twinkies, oreos and smores -- a heart attack before we hit the exit. Lord.
- Moved out from the Diva Palace into the Leata Palace with Cortney :) Now a resident of San Diego on my own, feeling super accomplished. Thanks to Mom, Dad, Jonas and Zachery for helping me move :)

- Gramma left. My heart stopped beating. Tears flushed my life and I felt like half my heart was taken away.
- Youth fundraiser on Fort to raise money for our trip to 2012 Jubilee in Samoa
- Met with Phylicia for church service as she lauga'd... great sermon - the sower and the seed - growth is important.
- Christina came out to visit in my new home :)
- Bea moves in and the festivities begin!

- Visiting with Dee and Flo before they left for Samoa
- Kontiki concert again
- To the bay we go for Gramma Superwoman's 1 yr passing - great times with the fam in the bay
- Conan and I now getting better :)
- Started Kickball League :)

- Out with the ladies again
- First fun day with the new church split :)
- Arizona again for Conan's game against -- ummm? I don't recall... bad wkend - ended up driving out by myself bc Dario and Kat ended up not comin'.
- Nini's bday celebration at True North
- Redondo beach for Kalea's OCC festival
- Broke up with Conan for GOOD and no turning back.
- PISA Luau with Nise and Celle visiting with us
- Joose, Ving and Tua came out also for PISA wkend hung out had a grand time
- Tsunami hit Samoa

- Benefit concerts all month for Samoa
- Donated clothes to Samoa with the church fam
- Single life - embracing the new lifestyle while trying to get over the old
- Ended Kick ball league - got our butts handed to us in finals
- Great Halloween bash with the girls - party bus for Moke's bday and ended the day at Katchafire concert ...? lol

- Vangie's wedding!
- Bea's birthday month!!!
- Quick mission to LA for Pepa's bday ended up hangin' and meeting twit connects - JayRahz, TheJonaEffect and TamaIRIE
- Ladies Game night for Elfster gift exchange - fun :)
- Maitai's with the Daygo folks for Kahilofa's pregame event at Delzaon's by the Sea
- Stayed the night at Ritha's home with Bea and Del - met her family, love them to death, they are so hospitable!

- Furloughs furloughs furloughs
- Pay cuts :(
- Consumer loan to consolidate debt
- Elfster Exchange was aweeeesome!
- Winter break at Mom and Dad's family
- Bowl game with Del for Arizona's loss to Nebraska - blast
- Christmas in Barstow again - a lovely one :)
- New years in Daygo