2.19.2010

So, this is what I realized

This whole single ride has been joyful :)

Why? Why am I now embracing life the way that I do without a companion, or a significant other. I came to the realization last night.

Typically I don't talk on the phone... that's a whole 'notha blog honey, we shall revisit it at a latter time. So yeah, I don't do phone conversations, but last night I was on the phone with a guy, and I realized why I don't want to be in a relationship, right now.

Feelings --> sad, mad, confused, uncertain, anything that does not lead to HAPPY.

So, we're talking on the phone, and as usual, I'm not used to being on the phone so I'm falling asleep - oh sue me, it was damn near 3am lol. Strike 1, I suck, I know, but I could still hear what he's saying, just in my semi-dreams. Upon him realizing that I wasn't responding to him asking me questions or just not responding to anything at all he kinda, he sings a song, and I can hear him very faintly, am able to make out some of the words, but he's singing so beautifully that I don't want to interrupt and tell him to sing louder so I can hear, so I just try and make out what he's saying... lol. Failed attempt, Strike 2 Dess, no balls. SMH. So after telling him that I couldn't hear him, lightweight yells at me and asks me why I didn't say anything, the point was to hear his lyrics. I'm sorry! smh, I just didn't want to interrupt, and, it's not like I couldn't completely hear him. Then he refrains from engaging in conversation, I'm completely awake now, bc I don't want to upset him, I care for the dude. Anyhow, conversation goes sour and I find myself trying to get him to speak, he doesn't budge much, so we end the conversation sour.


I go to bed thinking, hmmm, was he really upset? Is he playing mind games with me? Am I taking this too seriously? Why is he so upset, blah blah blah blah blahhhh.

After all these question race in my head I think to myself... wtf is wrong with me? Why am I sweating the situation? BULLshiet.

smh

Then, the light shines through, the have opened, and the angels are singing -- ahhh Dess, this is why you don't like talking on the phone, this is why you don't want to have feelings of any kind, friendly or intimate, with any other dude, this is why, you are happy that you are single and without the hassle of being connected to someone else's feelings... BEACAUSE YOU HATE THIS BULLSHIET DRAMA!

It's quite needless if you ask me, and yeah I may be a seemingly bitter wench at the moment, but I truly am fed up with the drama that comes with relationships... for now anyway. I'm not ruling a significant other out of my life, definitely not, but for now... I'm going to set my mind at ease about being the caring girlfriend Dessarina that I am when I'm IN a relationship because the last 2 played me on that quality.

I just had to vent. I'm done. I'm happy :)

Peace.

2.07.2010

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