3.31.2010

*applause*

Your mouth gushes with the bitter taste of hypocrisy... laced in the prettiest of bows, disguised with with brightest of colors, and sweetened with way too much Splenda. The world can suck the seemingly supple juice that drips from your fruit, but that's a fruit I have never bitten before, nor will I ever bite it in the future. A complete standing ovation, an Oscar is much deserving of this performance. Take a bow, oh awesome one, you have won the masses.

3.16.2010

DELETE.

I need to delete the past 3 years of love songs completely from my memory box...

anyone have any suggestions?

Oh, I know!

Get over it.

Adieu world.

3.12.2010

Lessons of the healing woman 5


LESSON #3 OF THE HEALING WOMAN (and MAN) >> Ladies and Gents -- The right person at the wrong time is STILL the wrong person.... Be patient, if it's meant to be, it will be, aint no fightin' fate!

Lessons of the healing woman 4


Dipped into the Word this morn Joshua 21-22 -- God delivers on his promises (if u obey). LESSON #2 OF THE HEALING WOMAN - Theres only 1 man that will never fail u in his promise. Who? God. This means u sld not feel pain when any1 in ur life fails to fulfill their promise to u, they are expected to do so (bc theyre human). On that note, promises shldn't be made, we all shld be men & women of our word. Blessings folks.

Lessons of the healing woman 3


LESSON #1a OF THE HEALING WOMAN - NEVER -- NEVER EVER -- forget your value and worth. If you don't know your worth, let this help you figure it out - you are carefully crafted by the hands of God, worth more than precious rubies and gold. If 1 man does NOT treat you like so, trust and believe, there is another 1 MORE than willing.

Lessons of the healing woman 2


Ahhh patience is the companion of wisdom! LESSON #2 OF THE HEALING WOMAN - A woman should never force fate. Patience allows her to grow faithfully and gracefully, gaining wisdom and insight of what is to come, in timing that is not hers, but His. YAWWWWP!

Lessons of the healing woman 1


A good friend told me u dont heal over night, take it as a lesson learned and a point earned -- LESSON #1 OF THE HEALING WOMAN - A woman shld never regret a decision made to better her situation, no matter how much her feelings tell her otherwise after the decision has been made. Feelings come and go. Be firm & confident, everything happens for a reason (thx Doris Tulifau inspiring me with "lessons" lol)


we will visit this at a later date for my explanation... :)


3/14 -- Often times as women we find ourselves at a crossroad where we have to make a decision that will completely change our lives one way or another. Often times, these decisions are ones that we find hard to make because they are at times emotionally driven. One decision I particularly made recently (or well a good 6 months ago) was to finally break things off with  my significant other. I'll never forget the day I made that choice to finally call things quits. Granted, I myself am a fighter and often do not often quit easily on anything, and on that note, I will profess that this was one thing I did not quit easily on. 3 yrs of heaven and hell... could I really ask for anything more? lol


This is the longest I've ever been single in a while, 6 years to be exact... and I've only been single for 6 months. LOL Yeah, DEF a learning experience. Anyhow, being single has it's pros and cons, and one of the cons is having way too much time to think about way too much. LOL without the constant texting, constant arguments, constant I LOVE YOUs there is often plenty of time to sit and ponder, reflect, retrospectively. I find myself doing that a lot, I'll  begin thinking about my past with him, the good times... oh the good times. Sometimes I think of it so much I begin to wonder why I even let him go... BUT, that is where I stop myself in my tracks and say to myself "Dess, be strong, you did the right thing."


I don't know what would have come if I had stayed, but I do know that a lesson wouldn't have been learned had I continued being with him -- for him and of course for myself. It's never easy letting go of someone you grew to love, and love to me is still mysterious and dangerous... delightful and fulfilling... all the above. Fact is, no matter how much I think today, yesterday or any day after the day I made that decision to break it off, I need to be firm in my decision. Feelings do come and go, he actually taught me that... a life lesson I will take everywhere I go. My feelings fluctuate, one day I miss him, the next I hate him... hate is such a strong word, but feelings are even stronger, let not words underestimate (or overestimate for this matter) the power of feelings. 


Anyhow, I find that I am rambling rambunctiously so I think I will quit now. :)


Adieu. 

3.05.2010

I hate you.

I hate you,  because even though it's been 5 months since I left you I can't get you out of my thoughts. Yes, I tried over and over to tell myself that I am over the fact that we are done, but I guess I'm not. And even though I left you, you never left, my mind. See, although I left you, I didn't have to, but I wanted to, I needed to, and that's a tough decision to make because I loved you, and we all know love is blind, mistakes what is yours that used to be mine, my heart.... My heart used to be mine, but I've been so jacked up and fxcked up with you that it, I no longer can find. Plucked it out of my flesh pumping chest to hand to you, I GAVE it to you to keep, to hold, a precious diamond I used to fxckin be, remember?! I used to BE a diamond... yet I gave myself away yet again to the hands of a boy that carelessly dropped me into the dirt, hurt, and cold, I'm no longer a precious luxury of natures beauty, my smile doesn't shine as bright as the sun used to gleam, it doesn't shine and glisten like the crescent moons reflection in the streams of tears of joy I used to cry, it doesn't shine like it used to... and though I sit here and gas myself up, my inner being rumbles and fights against my soul because I MUST move on for the life of me, yet my flesh wants to stay and cry a while. How can my soul be 10 days ahead of my flesh, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak, Lord save me from myself there's so much to speak yet my hand covers my mouth to protect you, why? Why protect, YOU? You don't deserve the life of me from what happened those 2 days of my 3 years with you, but I'd still give it to you. Why? I don't fxckin know, and for that reason... I hate you.

3.04.2010

Lately...

So, lately I've been waking up very thankful. Not that I'm not thankful 100% of the time anyway, but just recently I started thinking about my life and all that encompasses it.

You see a year ago today, I'm almost positively sure that I wasn't in the position I am now. Granted, last year I was still on my own, still working full time, still completely clueless of what the future holds, today I have a whole year behind me that has added to my reason for living.

I woke up one morning, took a shower, and sat down in front of my mirror to begin applying face moisturizer. Upon moisturizing my face, I began to think, wow, am I really living on my own? I don't hear my mom yelling, my dad laughing, my brothers rustling back and forth in the hall way to get their clothes ironed, or begging me to iron their clothes, cuz for some God-forsaken reason they refuse to slide an iron on their pants, they need a female (my mother or myself) to do it. None of that occurs, I wake up, in a home that looks like how I left it last night, tidy and clean, or completely terrorized by Hurricane Dessarina. As I continued to get ready to hit the road, I grabbed my keys and thought to myself, wow, look at this, keys to my home, my car, and the back door at work. Hopped in the car and drove down the street just amazed at beautiful San Diego weather, it was lovely. Fresh dew glistening on the grass of the lawns I passed, the sun bouncing off of my side mirror in the car as I was rested at a red light. Man, I live in San Diego! And where am I going? To work... where? At UCSD. This cannot be possible? Or could it...

6 years ago, I didn't imagine my life like this. My only goal was to graduate college, and upon graduating college I thought to myself, wow Dess, you are on top of the world, you achieved your goal. Yet, even in graduating college, I wasn't content... why? I didn't know... for a long time I didnt know, and it took me 2 more years to actually realize what was to become of myself. I hit a latent stage in life, why? Well, *ahem* after 17years straight of being educated, some people (like myself) need a break! LOL Yup, as of June 22, 2008 it was a wrap for me, I put the books down and picked up the dancing shoes! ;) Call me a late bloomer, but I think plenty had their fair share of fun during their college and high school days. As for me, I was just not interested so much, for what reason? I'm not sure, but regardless of the reason, I know that it was all worth the wait. :) Anyhow, back to the whole achieving my goal... for a long time I felt like I didn't dream big enough when I was younger. How could a college degree really be my only goal? What about a job? Pssht, that wasn't even in my mind until my senior year, I was debating crazily before senior year if I would enter the work force or continue with school, and I'm glad I went straight to work. :)

Anyhow, this is all just gibberish I just wanted to write out my thoughts, nothing super detailed or thought provoking, just getting things off my chest as I find myself again looking at the mirror applying mascara thinking to myself, wow, I totally bought this mascara 3 weeks ago with my own money. Like wth, Mama told me one day I'd be on my own, but I never imagined it like this. With that said, I'm thankful that she still continues to push me towards goals to better myself. You the best Mama! ;) Raaaandom.

Mmkay, I'm done for the day. LMBO.

Cheers! Over and out.
=Dessarina

3.01.2010

Losing someone

Today, my Aunt lost her husband.

Momz called me and let me know that Aunty Ita's husband, Uncle Nifai, passed away as of this morning. As she tried to laugh under her breath in speaking to me, as she usually does to cover her pain, I could hear the weakness in her voice, as it trembled in telling me that she would be attending the funeral - "I have to go." I feel Mom's pain the way she felt Aunty Ita's pain. No, we cannot necessarily empathize with her - my aunty, my mother's sister - but we definitely feel the pain from her voice. My heart deeply aches for her behind the smile and the jokes I've been cracking all day.

People die daily, I know, but today I realized something. I've lost Gramma Superwoman, I've lost aunts and uncles, cousins... losing someone of blood relation to you is definitely heartbreaking... I wouldn't want to experience losing any family member dear and true to my heart, because I've felt the pain before, and it's not pleasant...

But just think... just imagine... to lose the love of your life, to lose the person you are bound to entirely by some element of the universe unrecognizable by the naked eye just completely leaves me at a loss for words. I think about it all the time... how can you care for someone so much? Someone that has no relation to you - a complete stranger in this universe until you connect with them, deeply, connect to their soul, to their inner self, to their being, their existence... and then one day, they just aren't here anymore... that pain felt, that anguish and inner struggle to move on or to stay faithful and true to the love of your life, I would never wish that pain on anyone. What type of pain is that? To have a void that will leave you completely empty of your soulmate's touch, their breath, their hug, their voice...

As I type in tears my heart goes out to my aunty. Although I have no significant other as of now to even feel remotely close to the pain that she does *ahem* lol, I can't imagine it'd be anything too far from brokenness... helplessness... emptiness... *sigh*

I love you, Aunty, and I am praying for your healing... because I would never wish that pain on anyone in this world - but know one day, if the Lord wills it, it just may come for me also, and I will want my nieces to pray for MY healing.

I love you. Be strong.

**If you were tagged, it was simply because I wanted to share this with you. I'm fine, really I am, I'm emotionally stable about all of this, I just wanted to bring this up because maybe you never thought about it before, maybe you feel the same, maybe you don't care, lol. :) Anyhow, no responses needed, I simply wanted to share. God bless you, and thank you for reading.