12.06.2010

Nov. 20. 2009

Nothing provides evidence of growth more than a blog written a year and some change ago like this one... I absolutely LOVE myself today for keeping record of my emotions back then. God has been too good to me, life is TOO amazing right now. I am undeserving of it, but some how, I understand, that God was definitely watching over me and listening to my cries in the middle of the night. God is good. Amen. I wrote this blog Nov. 20. 09. Please read...
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Dear Reader,

My urge to pry and cry only seems to be suitable for a moment. This path I'm on, is one I have yet to travel for a long time, and though I have found myself halting often abruptly, I am always met with an induced smile from some element of a happiness I have not known for so long. Those other paths before now, I chose them, why? Maybe because I had so much in store to offer, along the road trip. Perhaps at that time I did not feel like blistering my own bare feet during travel would suffice for a mind that always thought for two. Now I find myself not welcoming any company to saunter this path into an unknown destination - not because they are simply not welcome, more so because I've traveled so long NOT being alone -- through this alone time I am learning more and more to love myself, something I haven't done in a LONG time. I have now taken the hand of the little girl that has lived within me and has been neglected for so long and have begun nurturing her for lack thereof in the past. My haiku to her...


I am sorry, 
Beyond the depths of a black hole of sorrow.
Please forgive me, I beg.


Though the path gets dusty, and I must flap away the dust myself with my small hands, I realize, my hands aren't that small, and my arms have gotten stronger at flapping it away since I've been on my own. Yes, the sun still shines treacherously onto my forehead, and though a drop of sweat rolls down my forehead, I still have my own sweat rag -- drenched not from sweat but the salty tears I have wept while on this path the first few hundred miles on my own, because unlike the way I presented it to be, it WAS and still IS a struggle, only now it has become a lighter one --  to wipe my brow before it ends up stinging my eyes.

This path isn't too bad, although it has been taking some time to adjust... but I have supporters, folks rooting me on from behind, and though my back may face many others that I can't necessarily deem "supporters" -- perhaps they are "spectators"? -- I pray and hope they will realize that I am doing this on my own, and looking forward and not back, NOT to turn my back on any of them, but to forcefully make myself accept that, what is in the past is definitely behind me - my love and care stays the same if it hasn't already grown of course... please, support me with the same love and care and allow me to venture into my future with your continual support.

Humbly yours,
Dessarina