Empty Egg

Today was interesting. It's my first weekend in a long while where he isn't here and I am missing him so badly. I know that's corny, and I truthfully don't like admitting that because I pride myself in being strong and independent but I felt it today, and it was real. Emptiness.

I'm being super hella dramatic because he returns tomorrow. He'll only be gone for a total of... what... times 2... carry the one... 27 hours, but even in that short amount of time my heart knows he's gone. He's visiting family, he needed it, and I needed him to visit with them anyway. Wedding plans and the like to be discussed and finalized.

I found it quite difficult to dig into my studies. Something always came up and I always ended up making it a higher priority than it needed to be. Kinda like I'm doing right now... not reading because this blog needing to be completed is far more important than doing homework. I've already begun (procrastinating).

I've ben in debate about deactivating Facebook. But I think I will decide against it. I'm not on FB very much at all unless I am talking to Gee. Facebook has only been legit for me in terms of wedding scouting every weekend since May. Otherwise, posts are either bloviations of nothingness, embarrassing and lacking basic grammar edits, annoyingly subliminal or containing too many 4 letter curse words that you'd almost think it was a foreign language.

Anyhow... done for the night. Outroz.



Losing someone

Today, my Aunt lost her husband.

Momz called me and let me know that Aunty Ita's husband, Uncle Nifai, passed away as of this morning. As she tried to laugh under her breath in speaking to me, as she usually does to cover her pain, I could hear the weakness in her voice, as it trembled in telling me that she would be attending the funeral - "I have to go."

I feel Mom's pain the way she felt Aunty Ita's pain. No, we cannot necessarily empathize with her - my aunty, my mother's sister - but we definitely feel the pain from her voice. My heart deeply aches for her behind the smile and the jokes I've been cracking all day.

 People die daily, I know, but today I realized something. I've lost Gramma Superwoman, I've lost aunts and uncles, cousins... losing someone of blood relation to you is definitely heartbreaking... I wouldn't want to experience losing any family member dear and true to my heart, because I've felt the pain before, and it's not pleasant... But just think... just imagine... to lose the love of your life, to lose the person you are bound to entirely by some element of the universe unrecognizable by the naked eye just completely leaves me at a loss for words. I think about it all the time... how can you care for someone so much? Someone that has no relation to you - a complete stranger in this universe until you connect with them, deeply, connect to their soul, to their inner self, to their being, their existence... and then one day, they just aren't here anymore... that pain felt, that anguish and inner struggle to move on or to stay faithful and true to the love of your life, I would never wish that pain on anyone. What type of pain is that? To have a void that will leave you completely empty of your soulmate's touch, their breath, their hug, their voice... As I type in tears my heart goes out to my aunty.

Although I have no significant other as of now to even feel remotely close to the pain that she does *ahem* lol, I can't imagine it'd be anything too far from brokenness... helplessness... emptiness... *sigh*

I love you, Aunty, and I am praying for your healing... because I would never wish that pain on anyone in this world - but know one day, if the Lord wills it, it just may come for me also, and I will want my nieces to pray for MY healing. I love you. Be strong. **If you were tagged, it was simply because I wanted to share this with you. I'm fine, really I am, I'm emotionally stable about all of this, I just wanted to bring this up because maybe you never thought about it before, maybe you feel the same, maybe you don't care, lol. :) Anyhow, no responses needed, I simply wanted to share. God bless you, and thank you for reading.

WWJD 4 years later?

The chase...

So, a long time ago, I told myself -- I WANT TO BE CHASED... I want to be that female he saw from the corner of his eye, glimmering in pure and authentic beauty, glowing amongst the darkness of regular females... lol.

Unless your name is God... Dont judge me

Lesson #1 of the Healing Woman

NEVER -- NEVER EVER -- forget your value and worth. If you don't know your worth, let this help you figure it out - you are carefully crafted by the hands of God, worth more than precious rubies and gold. If 1 man does NOT treat you like so, trust and believe, there is another 1 MORE than willing.

I really should teach classes. LOL

July recap

So, as July comes a relaxing close I figured I should look into an update. Time has flown, it's already almost month 8 of this year, and I feel like so much has happened.

Hawaii - boy was that an experience! Visited Mama's hood back in Mayor Wrights Heights, but don't let the Heights part fool ya, it was definitely a cold and dilapidated type of setting of a living situation. Now, I know my Mama, her behavior, her preferences and the like, and I can't even imagine her living in MWH! But, of course, she never forgot her roots :) It was nice being in Hawaii, I was able to take a walk in my parents shoes (more like a ride in their car) of their life before they created my brothers and I.

2010 recap...

Oh dear, blogger dogger, yes I know, I haven't been exactly on my toes with updating the world wide web of eyes of my life that I have going on, but alas, I am here to make an appearance that is sure to be felt. Lets take this review by the reigns...

2011 recap... kind of

First off, this is entirely embarrassing that my first post of the year happens to be on *checks the date* oh, July 2, 2012. How awesome! -___-

2012 has been quite the year, if I do say so myself! Sadly I haven't updated since 2011, so I am going to try and give myself to my blog site, weekly, if not daily. I have to record all of the events bc I am in the few months leading up to me WEDDING!!!! (Cray, right? I know.)

So first, let me back it up and explain how things have been coming around.

Dec 2011 - What an ending of the year. I was actually blessed with a wonderful Christmas one that was filled with baking, church members and the like. My parents received their church on Thanksgiving of 2011 which was our first weekend at the new church. It was quite the exhilarating experience taking on a full church. After 17 years of dedication to our home church in Barstow, we were now leading our own church, which is QUITE. THE. TASK. Let me tell you... it's still difficult as of now, but we are growing and dealing with the growing pains. In Dec, Chris (who was then my boyfriend) and I were anticipating his trip to California, from Oregon, to visit me after Christmas. The month was crazy, actually. Jules (Bestie) and I threw a baby shower for Rox (other Bestie) with the help of our awesome Ate Rosemarie. That went really well, the day of, we actually all went to get a 3d sonogram in Apple Valley which absolutely had my heart soaring through the roof. I've never seen anything so breathtakingly sentimental. It was amazing. Later that day we had a small and intimate baby shower with close friends. Christmas came around and Nani stayed up allllll night long baking coconut, banana nut and pumpkin bread for Christmas baskets for the church families. Thank God we are small, there were only a good 5 families so the work was minimal. A couple days after Christmas, Chris flew down and I picked him up from Ontario where we spent a couple of days in LA. While we were there we dined at Fogo de Chao which is this brilliant and electable brazillian spot that we managed to get suggested via a Twitter post to all of my followers - Shoutou to KWEENVAL for the suggestion! We drove up to Beverly Hills, valet parked the car, and took flight on an array of meat skewers. It was so delish. I can't stop salivating at the thought. Prior to that, we went engagement ring shopping (GASP!!!! I know right, cray). That search went well, and was more informational than anything. LA had lots to offer, but we were trying to stay clear of the shadiness out in LA -__- Chris and I returned to Barstow where we stayed with my parents and celebrated New Years together for the first time :)

On a side note, I was in the process of buying a house! With mom and dad having to relocate to Victorville for the church, I took it upon myself to offer to buy a house under my name and have my parents live in it, with the intent of moving back home from San Diego to help with the church. It was a stressful yet exciting process, but I was thankful to have been in the position to even gain the experience.

Jan 2012 - This was the beginning of all things new! On New Years day Chris decided to speak with my parents about us getting married. Literally, formally requesting, not asking, or more like giving notice, that he wanted to marry me and make me his wife. It was such a nerve wrecking kind of discussion with my parents. When he actually spoke the words "to marry your daughter" my mother's face lit up and she shot an embarrassing "auuu, you're gonna be married!" smile, and I looked away from her trying to cover my bashful moment of blush. It was incredible to be going through that time, anyway. The rest of January went smoothly. Ate got married, and I had Chris alongside as my date, and my helper. He's amazing in those ways, never has to be asked to help, always offers, and always knows when and where he's needed. Jules and I were day of coordinators for the day which ended up being a great experience. Totally took me back to my high school days of how we'd run ASB events, just the three of us (Rox, Jules and me). Chris and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary! It was a beautiful day, we started out at church and ended the day in San Diego where he was going to fly out to Oregon again :)

Feb 2012 - During this time Chris and I were in heavy debate about a job offer he received. I put his application in for a job through my cousin's job on the Fort in January but didn't think very much of it, since he had no work experience working with mechanical tools or electrical tires. I think initially he was a little thrown off by the job also, and he was also gathering lots of opinions and advices from his friends and family members. The job offer came and required him to start the following week, on a Monday, which ultimately gave him a good 3 days to pack up his entire 8 year life in Oregon and wave bye-bye. He was hesitant, of course, it was such a quick offer and required immediate attention considering his start date. He decided he wouldn't be able to take the job offer with his revolving responsibilities and the fact that he was about 2 weeks away from his girls basketball season ending. But, as usual, God came through and paved the way for Chris... US, essentially. He spoke with Felicia, the hiring manager, and told her his story of wanting to pick up and move to a small desert town in the middle of nowhere, leave his entire life behind him, and start a new, to marry me. :) Felicia was so stunned and amazed by the story, that she granted him his own self decided start date and worked around his schedule and responsibilities. He chose the start date of March 5th, which was after his last basketball game of the season on Feb 24th. I flew up to Oregon to help him pack up, and drive down, which was QUITE the interesting experience! I flew up on Sunday the 26h, which happened to be my 26th (and golden) birthday. Had dinner with Ken and Lizzie (an elderly couple that absolutely LOVES Chris! They are so good to him, Lizzie is an excellent cook and Ken is a great converstationalist!) That went well. The next day we had Chris' bball banquet with his girls, they were flushed with emotions when they learned that he CUT. HIS. HAIR! Which was sort of a birthday gift to me, since he knew I strongly disliked his long hair -___- (don't ask me to brush your hair, comb it, braid it, anything, eww gross). The day after, we set out from Keizer, Oregon to Reno, Nevada to pick up a few instruments from his dad to be donated to my dad's church :) only thing is, we encountered a slight hump in the trip, because it started to snow and that prevented us from driving through the mountains from Sacramento to Reno. So we stayed in Sacramento and grabbed lunch with Chris' brother, Cyrus and stayed the night at his house. The next morning came, sun was out and we were ready to his the road. We began driving the 1.5 hour pass around 12, just to make sure the sun melted the snow ahead of us from the night before We hit the road and within a matter of minutes it begins raining. We figure, no sweat, all is well, rain never hurt nobody! Except that... the rain very quickly turned into snow, and before we knew it, we were hydroplaining on the 80 freeway. We hit the center divide, bounced off and hit the 18-wheeler right next to us, the car bounced off the back wheels and spun and we ended up facing traffic where we hit the center divide again! Finally with enough friction against the center divide, the car was able to slow down and come to a stop. The car died, and Chris tried to start it up again to get it off the center divide, but it had went to mobile heaven. We sat in disbelief for a few seconds and checked to make sure we both were okay until a huge rig had to speed in front of a van from the fast lane to avoid from hitting us (there were only 2 lanes on the fwy). We decided that it wasn't safe to sit in the car, and made a quick dash to the side. Long story short, we ended up staying in Colfax, CA which was the next city over, for 3 days and 2 nights. We rented a UHAUL bc the car was totaled and sold the car to a junkyard and headed to Reno with ease. We stayed in Reno for a night and decided to head down Nevada, and hit Barstow from across the way. It was a great journey, Chris and I learned so much about each other during that time, and we wouldn't have changed a single thing that happened!

March 2012...


DONE 1. Make dental appointment 
DONE 2. Remove wisdom teeth
DONE 3. Go fishing
DONE 4. Try new restaurant
DONE 5. Make Pap appointment
DONE 6. Get blood work done
DONE 7. Visit New York
DONE 8. Visit the Bay for leisure
DONE 9. Tithe taxes
DONE 10. Tithe monthly
DONE 11.Apply for graduate school APU
DONE 12. Grow out hair
DONE 13. Write a new song
14. Buy a UCSD sweater for Chris
DONE 15. Watch a South Salem Saxon game
DONE 16. Meet a Lady Saxon
17. Go Wine Tasting in Temecula and Oregon
18. Make a blanket
19. Lose 15lbs by June
20. Score a Try
DONE 21. Be accepted to APU
DONE 22. Begin Graduate School in Fall
23. Visit Gramma with Chris
DONE 24. Visit Chris' parents
DONE 25. Make a trip to Lak Taho
DONE 26. Buy new Nike Frees
DONE 28. Donate blood 3 times
29. Spend Thanksgiving in San Diego (if no family in Barstow)
DONE 30. Christmas gifts for the family
31. Attend a West Point Football Game
32. Send Jonas a care package for finals.
DONE 33. Pass Abnormal Pysch Class with an A
34. Run a 5k with Jules
35. Take bestie pics with Rox and Jules
DONE 36. Get hair highlighted
DONE 37. Attend a concert of a new artist.
38. Dine at 6 top o the line restaurants in San Diego
39. Go camping.
I'm having a great day. And I feel pretty. Except I just kio'd...