4.19.2013

Let me first just say that God is good...

I was instantly reminded of this blog I wrote years ago on Facebook... I posted it on this blog site on March 1st and decided to take a part of it to reiterate my thoughts revolving around the sudden death of a church member last night... it just resonates with me every time...

People die daily, I know, but today I realized something. I've lost Gramma Superwoman, I've lost aunts and uncles, cousins... losing someone of blood relation to you is definitely heartbreaking... I wouldn't want to experience losing any family member dear and true to my heart, because I've felt the pain before, and it's not pleasant... 

 But just think... just imagine... to lose the love of your life, to lose the person you are bound to entirely by some element of the universe unrecognizable by the naked eye just completely leaves me at a loss for words. I think about it all the time... how can you care for someone so much? Someone that has no relation to you - a complete stranger in this universe until you connect with them, deeply, connect to their soul, to their inner self, to their being, their existence... and then one day, they just aren't there anymore... that pain felt, that anguish and inner struggle to move on or to stay faithful and true to the love of your life, I would never wish that pain on anyone. What type of pain is that? To have a void that will leave you completely empty of your soulmate's touch, their breath, their hug, their voice...

 Last night our deacon passed away at the very tender age of 47. Sudden cardiac arrest? I have no idea, it's still being investigated. That's besides the point I want to make. His wife has now become a widow, and I am aching so badly on her behalf. I knew when I first wrote the post above that there was a gut wrenching pain that a person must feel when they lose their spouse. Now that I in fact AM a spouse, I shutter internally at a pain so deep that that will eventually happen to me.

I have yet to lose anyone within my inner circle. However, as I have aged, the perimeter of near and dear people that I care for keeps closing in on me. I'm losing people that are closer in proximity to my heart. This man that passed away goes to my church. He leads our services, I take direction from him on our praise team. That's close enough to make an impact upon hearing the news. Chris called me and started with... "let me first just say, that God is good" that's our preamble to bad news. When he said that, I knew bad news was coming, I just didn't think it was going to be about someone passing away. We put the preamble in place to keep from complaining. To keep from distrusting. To keep from trying to take the situation in our hands because we think we can make it better. It has helped me a lot, US even. There is always comfort in God. ALWAYS. Always, always. That's how it's been for me for years and it's really the only thing that works for me. Only. Only, only.

All I could really think about in learning about his situation is his wife. Her feelings. I am devastated for her because I think about how much I love and enjoy my husband being around in just the three months of being married. She's been married for roughly 20+ years to this man and I know the wound is deep. At least it's deep for me because I empathize with her... well, sympathize... well, it's empathize too. While I would say that I can't (don't) imagine how it feels, it's not something I refuse to imagine. I know that one day he will pass - and when he does, I don't want to be upset with God... so I allow myself to think about it. I think about how my heart will ache. I think of how I'll look when I cry. I think of my knees buckling from the pain in my gut upon learning sudden news that he passed while I was not with him. All the while, I think of this, I tell myself to remain strong. Call on God. I don't know why this exercise helps me, I do tear up just writing about this, but it's my belief that I can condition myself to be strong through pain if I continue to accept that idea that he won't be here forever. That also makes me cherish him more, and the little things in our marriage... like him having the bed already made in the morning when I get out from using the restroom... or being surprised at the full tank of gas in my car because he filled it up the day before without me asking... or a random hour trip to meet me after my class in Azusa to drop off keys that I misplaced, and my laptop that needed to be updated at work. Incidents like these make me want to love more... even though I feel like I love strongly already.

I wish I had my laptop to blog last night because I had more emotions to blog from. I miss being able to put my emotions on paper. Anyhow, the workday continues.

:)

Mrs. NewMuli