Welp, yet another month of marriage and many more lessons learned.
1. Compromise. This is the true language of marriage. That and bickering. But at least bickering with your best friend is fun.
2. Silence. This is the most deafening sound ever in marriage. When there is no communication or interaction, it's paralyzing. There is no growth with silence. At least this early on the marriage there isn't.
3. The word NEED is needed. I grew up very independent, thank you Mom and Dad. It was always a part of my life to not depend on anyone. That was modeled by my mother, and so of course, as history and experience would have it, I did the same. I did not need anyone and grew thinking I never needed anyone to do anything for me. I still have strong thoughts about that, but that mindset does not work in a marriage. Why? Because as a couple you need each other. A couple does not exist without two people. If you didn't need anyone, you might as well be (or stay) single.
Anyhow, as nobody else knows but my Hubbs, I am incredibly overwhelmed with this season in life. I work, go to school, and have a "2nd" job that doesn't pay anything but fulfillment and satisfaction of purpose driven work. This of course started to reverse the roles in my home. I am the hardworking "man" of the house while the Boo has been at home as the "homemaker". This has been an insightful experience for both of us to be able to experience what both roles are like, ones that we are unfamiliar with. Chris has been tending the home in many ways, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, scrubbing toilets, and showers, putting up curtains, vacuuming and cooking all meals. However, last week I had a break down when I walked into the house after class around 11pm and the house wasn't in order. In this moment I saw myself becoming my mother, except I reacted differently. Where my mother reacted with monstrous voices of anger, I stood quiet, and silent. I went to bed, in a manner that absolutely hate doing - I went to bed upset. That's a sin. You're not supposed to go to bed upset or angry, that's what it says in God's word -- Ephesians 4:25 says in your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Technically the sun was already down, but that's not the point. I went to sleep upset, and woke up livid as we missed the alarm which made me late to work (in San Diego). I drove the entire 90 miles with intent of being silent the entire way. No speaking. No initiating communication. Nothing. Zilch. Niente. Let's just say the drive felt like 4 hours. No conversation was carried until lunch time. Finally throughout the day I came home to a meal prepared by the Hubs and then I was able to speak.
I've definitely learned that my approach on things isn't always the best... especially when talking to Chris. I'm not fair, I'm mean, I'm rude, and I'm so condescending. All habits of a strong and independent woman for so long. Well that has been changing and I was able to implement that at this particular moment. I broke down and just cried to my husband telling him how much my mental capacity had already been filled with so many things concerning school and work. I gave him the image of my cup... and how the liquid was already spilling over with the many things I had going on. Home, with him, is my peace. It's my tranquility. It's the only constant in my life that I have right now. Work will soon wither away, school will be done after July, all these things will eventually come and go and the only thing that will ever stay constant now, in my life, is him and our home. And by home I mean, the place in which we both are together. Home is everywhere he and I are together - the car, the bedroom, the sidewalk we walk to check the mail together, aisle 11 at Walmart when we buy toilet paper. When I came home that night, my cup broke... I felt that I needed to add on yet another task on my to do list - keep my home in order. That was a hard reality for me, and I had to talk to my husband concerning my thoughts and what I NEEDED him to do for me... that I NEEDED him in my life to help me manage the liquid in this cup overflowing with my life. We bickered. A lot. It was expected. I wanted to compromise. Thursday night was football night and I wanted to just not expect anything from him that night - dinner, a clean home, etc. He wasn't having it. I told him how much I needed him in my life, and how much he was my peace and comfort after a day's hard work at school and at work. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to talk about it. And there I found myself streaming tears from the depths of my soul, telling this man that I needed him in my life, for the constant in my life. For the order that is required in ONE and only one area in my life that he could control. It was a beautiful conversation. One that I will never forget. One that I am grateful for. One that I needed.
Month 8 has created another strand of strength in marriage. We are not easily broken. The strands added on with every month, and even day, are making us more and more victorious. God is good.
Outties (like belly buttons),